The Test

I never knew true disappointment until I faced the heartache of not getting pregnant every month. It became such a chore; counting and figuring, hoping and waiting. And then the knowledge you failed again before the process started all over in the next 28 days.  I felt like an utter failure every month.  At something that comes so easily to most people, especially people who didn't seem to want it as much as we did. I would direct stories at work of people abusing children or dumping babies in trash bins and wonder why horrible people like that could be blessed with a child, only to discard it while we couldn't create a child for our happy home. I began to question life and God and the fairness of everything.

And then we gave up. I can tell you the exact day when I reached the end of it all. April 30, 2013. Crying in the bathroom as I realized another month was passing us by and the realization that I'm not getting any younger so it's probably never going to happen. It was the day before the one year anniversary of my beloved grandfather's death, two weeks before the one year anniversary of my dear friend's death who left this world way too soon. I was emotionally spent and just DONE. I informed Charming there would be no more counting. No more figuring. No more timing sex and specific positions and then holding our breath for the rest of the month. We were done. He agreed, tired with all the hoopla and scheduling too.

We gave up and had one of the most freeing months in a long time. I forgot how much fun just being together could be without calculating ovulation and temperature checks. We acted like we were in our 20s again, running around the house without a care in the world, doing it when we wanted and how we wanted. I'm sure the cats thought we had lost our minds, or at least forgot that clothes were a necessary part of civilized nature. But we didn't care. We were reconnecting and finding the joy in our marriage, our relationship again. It was relaxing and apparently exactly what we needed.

I like to think my grandfather and my friend B-Mac had a hand in what came next. That they saw my grief, especially at that difficult time of missing them both so much, and decided to help us along. That they convinced whoever pulls the strings up there to give us a break and grant us the miracle we had wanted for so very long. The idea of two guardian angels above looking over us and our unborn child gives me a sense of peace and comfort and that all will be okay.

Even though I wasn't counting I knew when I was late. I couldn't help it, I had become way too in tune with my body. I waited a full day before I mentioned to Charming I might get a test in a few days if nothing happened. I look back now and wonder why Charming never asked me why I felt the need to get a test after only being late a few days. Because, truth was, I felt different. I just felt like I needed to take a test. Neither of us thought anything of it because we had gone down this path several times before and it had panned out to nothing, but it was something I needed to do.

The next morning I opened the package and followed the instructions that I knew by heart but still read every time. I lay the stick on the bench and brushed my teeth and washed my face. When I picked up the stick three minutes later I stared at it, not really believing what I was seeing. I even compared it to the picture though I knew what the little plus sign meant.  I called out to Charming who was still in bed.

"So, are you ready to be a dad?"

"What?" he replied sleepily. "What do you mean?"

"The test. There's a plus," I said as I shoved it under his nose.

Suddenly he was wide awake as he stared at the indicator. He looked at me sharply and leaped out of bed.

"Take the other one," he insisted as he pulled me to the toilet.

Three more minutes later we stood, shoulders touching, as we both stared at the identical tests side by side on the counter, their blue plus signs screaming at us in unison "You're going to be parents! You're going to be parents!" We debated the strength of the blue lines and if they may be too faint to be true, although the boxes said even the barest hint of a line meant knocked up.

"Okay, this is what we are going to do," Charming stated, trying to control the quiver in his voice. "We'll wait a week and buy those digital pregnancy tests that say "Pregnant" and "Not Pregnant" when you pee on them. That way there is no doubt in the results." He was proud of his ability to solve this problem and I couldn't debunk his logic.

"That seems like the best way to be sure," I agreed. "But we can still take pictures of these ones, right? Just in case?"

"Of course."

A week later we made the trek to the pharmacy and spend a good twenty minutes going over the different digital pregnancy test options. There are some pricey tests out there. We decided a middle of the road deal was best for us. The next morning I did my business and placed the test on the counter to wait the required three minutes. Forty seconds later the word "Pregnant" popped up on the screen.

"Uh, Charming?" I called. He had been getting dressed, expecting a three minute window before the big reveal. "It's ready."

"What?!" He came running into the bathroom. "It hasn't even been a minute yet! Is it defective?"

I showed him the test. "Not defective. Just really pregnant. Should I take the second one?"

Charming couldn't form words, he just nodded. This time it only took thirty seconds.

"I don't think there is any doubt," I said breathlessly. "We're going to have a baby."

I give us both credit that neither one of us fainted or threw up. But we were both pretty shell shocked. And it didn't really sink completely in until a few weeks later when we went to the doctor and they practically just waved the strip over my pee and the nurse said "Whoa, you are SUPER pregnant! I've never seen it change so fast!" In fact my levels were so high they believed for a while I may have two in there. Which would have been fine with us, get two over and done with in one fell swoop. Alas, twins were not in the cards and we only have the one gummy bear growing in my belly, which I am sure will be enough to turn our lives upside down.