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Friday, August 30, 2013

Emotional Upheaval

So I was all set to write a post about something completely different. And then I saw a commercial for a back-to-school sale that made me cry (first day of school drop-offs are so heartwarming!) and I realized I need to address something that is affecting everyone around me.

My hormones.

hor·mone (hôr'mon')

n.
1.
a. A substance, usually a peptide or steroid, produced by one tissue and conveyed by the bloodstream to another to effect physiological activity, such as growth or metabolism.

What it should say is:

Hormones - laugh one second then cry hysterically the next because "someone" (your husband) ate the last Drumstick and now you want to kill him because you need ice cream NOW and holy shit there's a baby inside me and I can't be a mother I'm not ready and wow that baby in that magazine is so cute I hope our baby is that cute and what if it isn't can we live with an ugly baby and what if I don't like our baby and I think I need some bacon but I still want ice cream so let's have some ice cream with bacon sprinkled on top okay?

I had an idea that being pregnant was going to be like PMS on steroids, but I was not prepared for the rapid onslaught of vastly changing emotions that would be raging through my body and mind. And I can't control it. Somewhere, deep in my mind, I know I should not be getting upset about the fact my toast is just a bit too done, but the tears have their own mind and I am helpless to their whim. Slowly, I am starting to figure out certain things that set me off. I really need to tune out a lot at work because stories about kids or abuse upset me greatly. We showed some kids rafting down a flooded street and all I could think was their poor mothers if one of them drowned! But really, aanything with a baby sets me off. It could be the happiest story about a family that has nothing wrong with them, we are just reporting on them because they are sooo happy (which never happens but one can dream) and I will be a blubbering idiot.

Things that have made me cry:
Pictures of babies
Pictures of baby animals
TV commercial featuring babies
TV commercials featuring any sort of family interaction
TV commercials promoting suspenseful shows (like Dateline and 20/20)
The cats doing something cute
The cats doing something bad
The cats doing something that requires me to scrub the carpet
My husband cleaning for me
My husband getting me any sort of food
My husband looking at me weird
The ring tone I set for my parents' home phone ("Baby Girl" by Sugarland)
Worrying about not finding maternity clothes that fit
Finding maternity clothes that fit and make me feel great
A lamp thrown out for the trash (don't ask)
Missing a sock out of the dryer (really don't ask)

Now, if you are male, specifically my brother or father, or don't like frank talk about stuff people don't talk about in public, skip ahead to where I tell you it's okay to read again. Because I'm gonna talk about that thing that caused me to get in this condition in the first place.

Another side effect of this glorious thing called pregnancy is the fact I am horny all.the.time. ALL the time. So much so I have to hide it from Charming because the poor man can not cope. Between the mood swings, constant eating and pee breaks plus my need to jump his bones, I am surprised he comes home at all. The man is exhausted and the kid is not even here yet. We went from scheduled sex sessions to a wife ready any and all times and I don't think he knows how to adjust. First time ever I heard a man mutter the words "I have a headache."

The double-edged sword with sex now is that it is so good, the Woo Boy Moment amazing (thanks hormones for this one bonus) but the aftermath sucks. The cramping from my uterus is at times unbearable and often knocks me on my back for awhile so I can recover. So I have become a sadomasochist, yearning for something I know is going to make me feel bad because the act feels so good. I am my own worst enemy using sex as a weapon against my well being.

My dreams have become way more vivid as well. And I have a lot of sex dreams. But sex dreams featuring my husband, which in some ways made me feel like I am missing out on some great dream-sex opportunities. My sex dreams make me feel guilty, not because I suddenly decide to have a threesome with Bradley Cooper and my husband, but because my regular old dream sex with my husband is better than in real life. Which is pretty incredible because the real-life sex is so good I keep coming back for more despite the crippling pain after. In my dreams I feel like we are cheating on each other with better versions of ourselves and I wake up angry and confused, which usually sets off a flurry of hormone infused feelings I can't control.

And we have come full circle.

(Hey, if you skipped past the naughty bits, it's safe for you to pick up right around here)

So I'm a hormonal mess in all ways. Which is not fun for me but certainly not fun for everyone that has to deal with me. If I get through the rest of this pregnancy without someone causing me bodily harm because I have just annoyed them too much with my crazy ways I will call this journey a success. Although, I may be the one that goes ballistic on someone. I seem to have a hair-trigger on my temper too, something I am trying hard to keep under wraps. But the slightest injustice is enough to make my blood boil so watch out!

You don't want me coming for you when I'm pissed on a normal day. Pissed and pregnant, I am force to be reckoned with. Especially if you're standing between me and my Drumstick.

*I wish this was an exaggeration but I totally can see me doing this!


2 Sprinkles:

Good God Lemon said...

I can't believe this actually happens, I sort of always thought it was exaggerated but obviously not!

Also, all of those things make me cry too and I'm not even pregnant. I don't watch the news because it upsets me too much. I've cried twice today watching TED talks! One on introversion and one on body language....my crying knows no bounds.

Lynda said...

I saw The Back-Up Plan the other night, and one of the scenes talked about how horny the main character was going to be. I thought, "Really?" Then I thought about asking you.

No need to ask now!