tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40715850385347938702024-03-04T23:11:37.020-08:00Sprinkles From a Cupcake BlondeLife should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, cupcake in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out & screaming "WOO HOO! What a ride!"Cupcake Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10588999664483664504noreply@blogger.comBlogger57125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071585038534793870.post-7697775861687457882014-08-22T16:53:00.000-07:002014-08-25T21:34:09.578-07:00Baby Blog: Five MonthsWeight: 14 pounds, 12 ounces<br />
Length: 25 inches<br />
<br />
Dear Babycakes, <br />
<br />
Five months old!! This was a very exciting month with lots going on and huge milestones reached. <br />
<br />
Your Grammy and Grampy visited for the second time and this visit was more exciting because you could actually interact with them since you were older and more interesting. The two weeks spent with Grammy and Grampy were the first test of you staying with someone other than Mommy, Daddy and Grandma, the three people you had had solo interaction with for five months. Luckily you took to Grammy and Grampy perfectly and had some great quality time with them while Mommy and Daddy worked. You had lots of fun and had a few first with them to witness. First cereal (hated it, acted like we were trying to kill you as we attempted to feed you), first almost crawl (a weird army crawl move that was all arms and then a faceplant), and first huge long belly laugh perpetrated by Grampy in a restaurant which was such a delight for them to experience. Grammy even taught you one of your new tricks, blowing raspberries, which became your new favorite thing and something we desperately tried to break you of later on when spitting food became another form of fun. Thanks Grammy!<br />
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While your grandparents were visiting we decided to get you Baptised. While Mommy and Daddy aren't very into structured religion, (I'll explain more on that when you get a bit older. For us, faith is something we take very seriously, it's just the way religions go about it we object to) we were both raised Catholic and believe being Baptised and learning about God and Jesus is important. We had Grammy and Grampy stand in for your godparents, Uncle T and Auntie M since they could not make it to the ceremony. Unfortunately, on the day of your Baptism Daddy got very sick and was unable to attend. He got to see pictures and we went back the next day all dressed up again to take some family photos so we made do with what we had to work with. You were the youngest child getting baptised that day and the best behaved, until a child shrieking scared you and then you were inconsolable. The deacon, who took a liking to you, felt bad and spent some extra time trying to get you calmed down but we ended up having to leave early because you were just not having it. Several of our friend and family came to see your big day and then helped us celebrate at our house with some food and fun. Despite Daddy being incapacitated it was a good day.<br />
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You began teething like crazy. Huge drool and chewing on everything. We invested in several different kinds of teethers because our fingers couldn't take much more abuse. You especially loved the ones you could put in the freezer and would suck and bite them for hours if we let you. Weirdly enough you began wanting a pacifier again after months of spitting it out and crying whenever we offered it to you. In all honesty, anything you could put in your mouth went there. But no teeth yet!<br />
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We reached the point where you could not be left alone for even a second. Between your ability to roll and scoot and half crawl everywhere, and do it so quickly, you would very rapidly be found in precarious situations. Our family room became an obstacle course of danger zones and after several bumps into the coffee table and tumbles into various hard objects, we did some serious baby proofing. First we got a play yard, or as we like to call it, the baby octagon. Four days in that and you were great, loved the ability to play and roam with no dangers. Day five, you screamed every time we tried to put you in it. So we took everything out of the family room that was hazardous, put the play yard around the entertainment center and put pillows all around the scary spots and made the family room our containment zone. With the gate up in the doorway you pretty much had the run of the room, and you still cried occasionally if we didn't bring you with us when we left the room but for the most part finally were satisfied with having a whole room to terrorize yourself.<br />
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Every day it seemed like you learned a new trick. You had become a champion sitter and could sit unassisted with no problem. You also could pull yourself up into a sitting position from your side. Everything that you could reach became fair game and that included hair, boobs, leg hair, chest hair (Daddy is sure to be bald everywhere if you continue on using his follicles as handles), toes, calves, etc. You were super strong too and your grip amazingly firm for one so small. You even kicked a picture from off the wall prompting Mommy to catch it quickly before it beaned you in the head. We nicknamed you Herculean Baby after that. You were still growing like a weed, firmly in 6 month clothes for a while, and starting to test out your legs every chance you got. Finally, this is when you really discovered the cats and became obsessed with them, tyring to get them at every turn and would stop whatever you were doing just to stare at them. And as good as they are, they even would lay patiently while we taught you how to put them nicely and not grab. Little did they know what was to come when you got really mobile and began to pursue them with a vengeance only the young have the energy for. <br />
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Kid, Mommy and Daddy and the kitties, we're all old. Slow down!<br />
<br />
Love, Mommy<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54489/380/8CBFA9220A5AC203EDD779A3530EBF9E.png" style="border-image: none; border: 0px currentColor;" /></a>Cupcake Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10588999664483664504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071585038534793870.post-19985077683221156912014-08-21T15:52:00.000-07:002014-08-22T22:13:25.603-07:00Married...With ChildrenI was never one who needed a child to make my marriage or my life feel complete. Yes, I loved kids and I knew I wanted children, but after five long years of trying and many hard steps and stumbles along the way, I was okay with the possibility of our family consisting of just Charming, myself and the kitties. If Babycakes had never come along Charming and I would have been fine and life would have continued on.<br />
<br />
But now after Babycakes is here we can't imagine our life without her. Charming just stated the other day he can't remember what our life was like BEFORE we had a baby. He didn't mean this in a bad way, just that we are so content with her it seems like she's always been here. And I agree. I know our life was fine, fun-filled and we were able to buy or do whatever we wanted within reason (Probably the only thing that gives me pause these days because that can be a hard habit to break. Dinner out? Well, we'd have to do it around the baby's schedule and can we afford it because we need to buy diapers? It just doesn't seem as important these days.)<br />
<br />
Having a baby does put a certain kind of strain on a marriage. This isn't always a bad thing but can be a challenge at times. Figuring out how to juggle everything takes up a huge part of our days. How will we fit errands in? Do we need to split up or can we take the baby? Who is going to feed her, change her, entertain her while the other person has something to do? Whose tasks are deemed more important to do right now and whose can wait? This delicate balance gets even trickier when breastfeeding is involved because only one of you have the tools to feed the baby unless all you do is pump and bottle feed. Resentment and guilt from either party can build up over one person doing everything while the other person gets to "chill" on the couch nursing the baby. What we have discovered is an open dialogue works best. After one or two times of boiling anger occurring because someone didn't realize they wanted to do something and "I watched the baby while YOU did XYZ and you can't watch her for one measly hour while I do this ONE thing" accusations started to fly, we realized pretty quickly establishing communication of wants and needs is key. Some times things get pushed aside and that's okay. We work really hard to find a way to make everyone mostly happy with Babycakes obviously coming first, because that is what parenting is all about. Sacrificing time, money, sanity, etc. for your child. But we are careful to not let us get lost in the baby shuffle.<br />
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The hardest part of having children is definitely the financial strain. I knew babies were expensive. I knew we would be paying for years for things we probably never even thought of like after school sports and field trips and back to school clothes. But knowing it and living it are two totally different things. Watching money just leak out of our bank accounts is discouraging, especially since I wish I did not have to work so I could be with my child but I have to work in order to have the money to pay for raising a child. It's the worst kind of irony. Money is about the only thing Charming and I can have headed discussions about, mostly when there is none and we're stressing about how to survive another week or if one of us wants to revert back to our pre-baby times and buy something we absolutely don't need and absolutely want most desperately. We both have our weaknesses and some days it's hard to think about Babycakes first and us second when the new Coach handbag line is sent directly to my email. I really should unsubscribe from that temptation...<br />
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There used to be days in the beginning when I barely touched Charming. We try not to let that happen. We focus on getting Babycakes' needs taken care of but also finding slivers of time for each other. Even if it is just taking a few seconds to kiss in the kitchen, or give a hug and thank that person for helping out, it makes a difference. Some days I find a note in my dinner from Charming and it makes my night. Other times I do something for Charming I know he would have to do later that I can do right then because I have the time. Small, simple ways to let each other know we are thinking of us.<br />
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There are times when we reminisce about the "before" days, lamenting on how we could go to a show on a whim or not worry about saving money for college. The days when we both weren't so exhausted and our days off were spent doing things we liked to do rather than things we have to do. The tough days are when we are both beaten down from trying to wrangle Babycakes for hours on end and neither of us can remember if we ate anything in the last six hours. And we certainly can't drum up the energy to be intimate when we could sleep or eat instead. Before there were days no room in our house was safe from a visit to Funkytown, but at this point #2 is just a thought that will only come to fruition if the Immaculate Conception is indeed possible the second time around. We wonder why we did this to ourselves when we had a nice, quiet life before and didn't need anything else to make it complete.<br />
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And then Babycakes will start to laugh as Charming rolls around with her on the floor in a sea of throw pillows and I tickle her feet as she crawls by getting a big gummy grin as she changes course and makes a beeline to climb on me and our life just clicks. She made it complete and us individually and as a couple are better because of her. She made us whole and we didn't even know we need another slice to our family pie.<br />
<br /><br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54489/380/8CBFA9220A5AC203EDD779A3530EBF9E.png" style="border-image: none; border: 0px currentColor;" /></a>Cupcake Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10588999664483664504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071585038534793870.post-51113747829120216102014-08-20T16:13:00.000-07:002014-08-20T16:13:00.024-07:00Baby Blog: Four MonthsWeight: 13 pounds, 13 ounces (more than double your birth weight at only 4 months!)<br />
Length: 24 inches<br />
<br />
Dear Babycakes,<br />
<br />
Four months is where I like to describe the beginning of the end. You were never really a calm baby. Always wiggling, struggling, straining and squirming. Some times you were hard to even hold on to. So we knew when you went mobile we were all screwed. And we were right. Just thought it wouldn't be this soon.<br />
<br />
I look back at the first three months of your life and laugh at how naive I was. I constantly stressed about you possibly being developmentally behind, that you wouldn't reach certain milestones and we would need to seek therapy and help. Little did I know that you would be holding our house hostage by six and a half months with your ability to get into EVERYTHING because you could crawl to, climb on and grab anything within reach. But I'm getting ahead of myself...<br />
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It all started here, in the fourth month, when you figured out how to roll over. We were excited! Rolling over meant no more worrying about you sleeping alone in your room as much. If you were able to roll over the risk of SIDS was considerably less and we could sleep a little easier knowing you would probably make it through another night (yes, mommy and daddy were a bit anxious, but we were new at this.) Rolling over to your back also meant that you could stop your own tummy time sessions, something you had loathed since the beginning. Within a week you were rolling front to back, back to front, no problem. This led to you rolling all over the floor and thus the constant watch began. We could not leave you alone for a second. Unassisted you would roll right out of a room. And the bed was absolutely off limits because you would roll right off. One time I put you in the middle of our bedroom floor, went into the bathroom to get my brush, walked out no more than five seconds later and you were out the door and almost to the stairs from rolling. <br />
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After that heart attack we began to find ways to contain you. Although your father was in favor of hog-tying you in the middle of the floor or at the very least keeping you swaddled until you turned eighteen, I wisely brought home a jumper. This magical piece of baby equipment became our saving grace. Need a shower? Put the baby in the jumper! Have to get those dishes done? In the jumper goes the baby! Need to run to the store? The jumper! Okay, no, no we of course never did that, but if it wasn't illegal to leave you home alone I'm sure you wouldn't have minded because you LOVED your jumper. You would stay in it for hours if we let you, bouncing up and down and squealing. But due to my worries of hip dysplasia we kept your jumping to no more than twenty minutes at a time. Oh the things we could get done in twenty minutes, it was glorious! It was the greatest thing we ever bought...until two months later when you really became mobile and didn't want to be in anything because crawling, pulling up and hand walking the furniture was way more fun. You would scream if we even thought about putting you in anything. But again, I'm ahead of myself.<br />
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Four months is also when you could sit up unassisted when you were put into a seated position. First you used the Boppy as support but soon you didn't even need the pillow to sit on the floor. This new position was fascinating to you and I'm sure the world got a whole lot more interesting when you didn't have to stare at the ceiling all day. After sitting came falling forward and attempting to crawl, which was both incredible and terrifying. Luckily you still could only get your butt to wiggle up and down and would face plant most of the time. These are all things you showed off for your new pediatrician who declared you in perfect health and right on track for weight and height.<br />
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Overall you were and still are a very happy baby. You laughed all the time now, not just when tickled. The smallest thing could make you chuckle, a funny face, weird noises, but the big belly laughs only happened once or twice this early. And they were awesome! Nothing is better than a baby's big laugh. You also became interested in everything near you, especially phones. We quickly realized we could no longer hold a phone near you are you grabbed it. This made most pictures of you taken on cell phones blurry because we were constantly moving them out of your reach.<br />
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One of your favorite games was playing with the baby in the mirror. I would sit you on the floor in the bathroom in front of the mirrored closet doors and you would slap your hands on the mirror and laugh at your "friend." Baby babble would ensue and the two of you would have a mirrored moment of friendship. The kitties were also a new fascination. You started to notice them and realized how soft they were so you would grab for them when ever they walked by. I have to give them credit, the cats didn't shy away from you and would always mill around if we were all on the floor playing. It's really nice to see all our kids hanging out and getting along.<br />
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What more could I ask for?<br />
<br />
Love, Mommy :)<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54489/380/8CBFA9220A5AC203EDD779A3530EBF9E.png" style="border-image: none; border: 0px currentColor;" /></a>Cupcake Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10588999664483664504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071585038534793870.post-89144088637004039562014-08-19T16:10:00.000-07:002014-08-19T16:10:00.150-07:00The New MeThe transformation from pregnant mother-to-be to mom is one journey I thought I was ready for. After all I had eight months to prepare myself for our lives to get flipped turned upside down. But no amount of reading, searching the Internet or advice from other people can truly prepare you for the upheaval a baby does on not only your body, but your emotions, your marriage, your sanity. I read an article the other day that perfectly describes how I am feeling about myself on any given day. It was a letter a mom wished she had written to her <a href="http://www.coffeeandcrumbs.net/blog/2014/8/10/a-letter-to-my-pre-mom-self">pre-mom self</a>. And the part that lists the differences you will experience as a new mother really hit home, but no more than this passage:<br />
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<em><strong>"You will be different. </strong>You will see parts of yourself that are unrecognizable, brought only to the surface by the sheer fact that another human is suddenly dependent on you for everything. You will be anxious, you will worry, you will feel overprotective like you have never felt before. You will simultaneously need space and not need space because all you want to do is be alone and also never leave your baby with anyone else. You will uncover a plethora of mom-related judgements that were hiding in your heart all along, and one by one they will fall by the wayside as you realize just how hard and messy and glorious this calling of motherhood actually is. You will learn to love fiercely and wildly without expectations, and for the first time in your whole life, your heart will default to selflessness—a part of you that always existed but was buried deep down inside—waiting for this moment, this change, this baby, this occasion to rise."</em><br />
<em></em><br />
The physical changes were nothing compared to the emotional ones. The fact I had to use a squeegee to clean myself whenever I went to the bathroom, slept on what Charming and I affectionately called puppy pads so I didn't leak all over the bed, wore a bra to bed so I didn't wake up in a puddle, clumps of my hair falling out, hemorrhoids the size of grapes and hips and a lower back that still don't feel quite right, I took these things all in stride. Part of the experience I reminded myself. Sure, I was bleeding for the first time in almost a year, my body was squishy in weird places, had stitches in a zone I was too afraid to look at and would discover sex now felt...weird. But that was all worth it because I had a baby all our own.<br />
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What threw me for a loop was the fact I felt off. At first I am sure I had a touch of the baby blues combined with sleeplessness and sheer terror. I had heard about that moment that every mother reaches at some point in desperation and exhaustion. That moment where bad thoughts creep in and you have to put your child down and walk away to collect yourself. Never thought it would happen to me. But when the fleeting image of me using a pillow to stop Babycakes from crying for just. one. second entered my brain, it scared me so badly I began to seriously question myself and if I was capable of being someone's mother. The fact I recognized that that moment was very real and that I would never, ever do anything to hurt my baby flipped a switch. From then on I started to become the new mom I absolutely didn't want to be.<br />
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I worried about everything. I wasn't sleeping because I would stare at the monitor to make sure Babycakes was still breathing. I questioned how everyone else did things for the baby because their ways were not MY ways and so they had to be wrong. I wanted a break but I didn't want to be away from my baby and I had a hard time trusting anyone else with her. I began to look at other moms on Facebook and out in public, declaring I would NEVER do that with my child. In short, I became the biggest douche of a mom and I hated myself for it. I could see myself falling into this spiral and if I didn't do something quickly I would turn into the absolute antithesis of the kind of mother I always saw myself being.<br />
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So, I made an effort to stop. I loosened up my new mommy reigns and allowed people to help and anxiety to take a hike. Sure, I still worried a bit, but I wasn't running into her room every hour to check that she was breathing. I didn't hover over my husband any more while he changed a diaper to tell him he should do it THIS way. And I started to enjoy. Because through all that worry and anxiety I got lost in the dependency part and forgot to really see my daughter. Sure, she needed me, a lot, but every day was a new adventure for her. Every day she got stronger and more interesting and discovered something new. I could still supply her needs, love her unconditionally, but also really enjoy her and experience life through her new eyes, something amazing and mind blowing. From that same article:<br />
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<em><strong>"Your whole life will be different.</strong> Every single day you will wake up with the responsibility of loving a child beyond measure. It will affect every decision you make, every thought you have, every fiber of your very existence. You will slowly learn to let go of control and expectations, a process you will practice every day for the rest of your life as a parent. You will start to see the world as a mom—you will see love and God and humanity through new eyes that will change you and mold you and make you more aware of how small you are and how big God is. <strong>A void will be fulfilled that you didn’t even know existed."</strong></em><br />
<strong><em></em></strong><br />
Our lives will never be the same and I am now a completely different person than I was six months ago. Things are messy and chaotic and there are days that go by when I forget to eat and don't even touch my husband. But I wouldn't change a thing.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54489/380/8CBFA9220A5AC203EDD779A3530EBF9E.png" style="border-image: none; border: 0px currentColor;" /></a>Cupcake Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10588999664483664504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071585038534793870.post-26136586347523561682014-08-18T15:06:00.000-07:002014-08-24T21:38:33.188-07:00Baby Blog: Three MonthsWeight: 12 pounds, 6 ounces<br />
Length: 23 inches<br />
<br />
Dear Babycakes,<br />
<br />
Yes, you are almost seven months old and I am just now getting around to writing about your third month. There are times Mommy sucks even though she means well. Better get used to it kid.<br />
<br />
This month was all about discoveries. It's like you woke up one day and thought "Woah, there's a whole WORLD out there and it has all this STUFF in it! What can I put in my mouth first?!" <br />
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It started with your fist. You sucked on that fist like your life depended on it, at times gagging yourself several times until we would extract this soggy appendage from your mouth. Your dad joked about how this assured us you could never make it in porn, something you most certainly will never know the existence of because, of course, you're perfect and innocent. (Side note: If you are in fact in porn at the time of reading this please know I hope nothing we did or said lead you to that lifestyle choice. Although if there was something to push you down that dark path, the culprit will probably turn out to be this blog. I'm sorry. Mommy loves you! Wear condoms!)<br />
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You also started to grab your toys hanging above you on your play mat. With a surprisingly strong grip for someone so small you would pull these toys down and try to get them in your mouth. daddy and I could spend hours watching you try again and again to eat your toys, not understanding they were attached and unable to bend to your will.<br />
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You also started sucking on your tongue. Something that annoyed the heck out of your father and grandmother. I figured you were just figuring out you had this thing in your mouth and hey! It's another thing I can suck on! You stopped doing it so much later on once you realized you could grab your feet and woah! Stick those in your mouth too?! (Do you see a pattern here?) <br />
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You had your first giggle which I wish I could bottle up and save for dreary days when I need a pick me up. It was so cute and so sweet and for something so mundane as giving you a goofy face to laugh at. Once we figured out you wanted to laugh we would do everything in our power to try and make that happen. But those giggles in the beginning were precious. You gave a lot of smiles but not many laughs right away. So when you did let one out they were extra special to us because not everything made you laugh. Grinning you had down pat and as a generally happy baby you smiled a lot! You also started to recognize your name which was really cool.<br />
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Those bad hours at night from nine until midnight thankfully came to an end. Now you were wired right before bed, which we kept at around 1 AM because that is when I got home from work and could put you to bed. Yes, mommy suddenly was not around as much any more. Something that tore my heart out every day but you seemed to take in stride. Mainly because you had Daddy and Grandma to keep you company so not having Mommy around didn't seem too bad with two out of the three people you saw constantly sticking around. Going back to work was harder than I thought. I hated leaving you every day and not seeing you for so long. But I got used to it and although I still miss you terribly it's something I have to do. Seeing you light up and start to wiggle when you saw me each night when I came home helped a lot to ease my guilt at leaving you.<br />
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At work I pumped to keep up with your feeding schedule so Daddy and Grandma could feed you while I was gone. Now you got four bottles a day instead of one, something I didn't like but was inevitable since I was not there to feed you every three hours. You never had a problem with the bottles and going back and forth was not an issue. Except for distractions. We started having to urn off the TV and have people leave the room because you would get distracted while eating. Everything was so exciting you wanted to see everything, even while trying to eat. But you must be getting enough to eat because you were growing like a weed and already in six month size clothes.<br />
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But I was always home to put you to bed, our special Babycakes and Mommy time. We would have a bath, read a story, sing some songs and after I nursed you it would be time for bed. I cherished these times with you, especially since the night time wakeups were getting scarcer. You were sleeping up to eight hours straight through the night, something unheard of for someone so young. I suddenly was getting more sleep, even though I would still wake up a lot to check the monitor and make sure you were okay. But every hour counted after the previous two months of waking up every two hours. We were getting into another newer rhythm with me going back to work and it was turning out to be a good routine.<br />
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You also met your Uncle T, Mommy's brother and your Cousin B, Mommy's cousin from Massachusetts. Uncle T and you got along aces, he could make you laugh and you loved it when he bounced you around. Also, I got to witness my brother feeding a baby for the first time while simultaneously scrolling through his phone and watching Discovery channel. A man of many talents your Uncle T.
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I was constantly in awe at how even more adorable you got with each passing day. Your little personality was coming through and it was amazing to watch you blossom into a person with likes, dislikes, wants and needs. Every smile, every laugh, every cry shaped who you were starting to become. It was a gift every single day and all the new discoveries you were making were amazing to us as well because we were seeing the world through your eyes and how new and exciting everything must be. You were showing us how to live again and it was beautiful. I don't think I could ever express how wonderful that is.<br />
<br />
<br />
Love, Mommy<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54489/380/8CBFA9220A5AC203EDD779A3530EBF9E.png" style="border-image: none; border: 0px currentColor;" /></a>Cupcake Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10588999664483664504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071585038534793870.post-16235046327043332532014-08-17T15:15:00.000-07:002014-08-17T15:35:08.117-07:00Worker BeeI intended to write this post about a week or so after I went back to work. Now, suddenly here I am almost five months later and going to work every day still sucks as much as I feared.<br />
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It's not the job itself, exactly. Well, it's not always the job itself. I still love what I do even if I don't love where I do it some days. I just never expected it to be so difficult to be away from my baby for nine plus hours, five days a week. I went from being the one person who was with Babycakes, literally, twenty-four hours a day exclusively for two months straight, to being the person who sees her the least amount. Getting up at nine-thirty in the morning, Babycakes up at ten and I have to be at work by 2:45 PM means I only see her for about four and a half hours since she is asleep when I get home. Charming sees her for about 8 hours, my MIL gets her for 5 to 6 hours and I get the short end of the baby stick. <br />
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I know this is the downside of being a working mom, but I wish I didn't HAVE to work. If I chose to do this I think I would feel a bit differently. But right now it is impossible for me to not work. And that leaves me with a hole in my heart every day I have to leave that sweet little face and drive to a place I really don't want to be. Even on the days I feel like I need a break I would rather be with her screaming than at work. But it is what it is and I make do. And her big gummy smiles when she sees me every morning make up for leaving her during the day. Another saving grace is the fact I get to leave my precious child in the hands of my MIL, someone I know will take care of Babycakes with extreme care and love. We are beyond fortunate to have a close family member watch our baby. I know how lucky we are because if I had to leave her at a daycare or even a babysitters, I'm not sure I could handle being away from her as well as I am coping with it now.<br />
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The first few weeks back were rough. I bawled when I left the house, all the way to work and sometimes halfway through my shift. I would find reasons to sneak away so I could call constantly and check in or just to hear her make noises over the phone. I was a mess and seriously questioned quitting every single day. Keeping busy was key because the busier I was the less I thought about not being with my baby. If I had downtime I would dwell on all I was missing because every look, smile and coo were so precious. I would desperately try to figure out a way to not have to work at all or at least not as much. But I could never make the numbers work. Eventually the pain got a bit less. There is still an ache when I have to leave each day and Babycakes gives me a breathtaking gummy smile as I'm walking out the door (it helps if she's napping by then so I don't feel so bad because I don't want to wake her) but I don't cry in my car the whole way any more. And getting the updates each night from my MIL are fun even if it does make me feel a bit left out. The time to come when she cries because I'm leaving will probably start this guilt all over again at leaving my child behind and feeling like a horrible mother because I'm not with her all the time.<br />
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The day I returned to work I was offered a promotion and a shift change. After two months of not being in work mode, dealing with sleep deprivation and all the changes I had to adjust to, this was something unexpected that threw me for a loop. It would have been a bit more money, a different shift and more responsibility. But Charming and I would not have had the same days off. As much as I would have liked the opportunity to move up, at this time in our lives family time together for me is more important than any job. So I turned it down. Do I regret it? Not for a second. The time Charming and I get to spend together with Babycakes is precious. We won't always have that opportunity so I figured disrupting that would not be a wise move in my personal life. I figured being happy at home is essential to being a good employee and seeing my husband is vital to that balance.<br />
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Speaking of balance, it was a challenge to get back into the swing of things. I didn't imagine trying to turn off my "Mommy Mode" would be so difficult. But I soon got the handle on making sure work stays at work and home stuff stays at home. Except when people want to see baby pictures. Then I can't help but share. The biggest adjustment was fitting in my pumping schedule. Since I am breastfeeding I had to find time to pump at work so I can stay on the same feeding schedule as Babycakes. I was a bit nervous about where and how I would pump. But I was given a single bathroom with a chair, an outlet and a lock on the door in order to pump in private. I know the law states I am required a room that is NOT a bathroom in which to pump but I like my setup because I can clean everything right after. I make sure to wipe everything down with Clorox wipes before I begin and keep everything sterilized and clean. I have become such a pro I have it down to a twenty minute process that I fit in three times a shift in between my shows. So far my pumping at work has not impeded my ability to do my job at all and I am able to steadily feed Babycakes even when I'm not there, something of which I am extremely proud. I am happy I can provide for my baby and I will do anything I have to in order to continue doing so until she is at least a year old. It's what is best for her and as long as I am able that fact is what makes sure I find the time and the energy to do it every single day.<br />
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There are days I feel pulled in a million different directions, days I struggle to find the energy to do simple chores because I am worn out, but I am making it work. I think that is what parenting is all about. Not being a Super Mom or the person who juggles everything perfectly, but one who works at it every day to make things flow as best as I can. I have multiple responsibilities and I'm trying my hardest not to let anyone down. <br />
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Especially Babycakes. That tiny human is my top priority, always on my mind even when I'm not there.<br />
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<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54489/380/8CBFA9220A5AC203EDD779A3530EBF9E.png" style="border-image: none; border: 0px currentColor;" /></a>Cupcake Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10588999664483664504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071585038534793870.post-11356605925100870992014-08-16T20:49:00.001-07:002014-08-17T00:02:48.015-07:00So, It's A Funny Thing...
...having a baby makes it hard to get anything done. Prioritizing things has become my life. I can wash the dishes OR fold the laundry. I can eat OR go to the bathroom. I can sleep OR take a shower. I can read a few pages of a book OR try to watch a TV show in 20 minutes. I have become a master at figuring out what is most important at that moment. And sadly, this blog has dropped to below necessary. Which is how I ended up not posting for two whole months.<br />
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Bad new mommy, letting a little thing like a BABY get in the way of such things!<br />
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But I am going to try to catch up now and keep at it. <br />
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Along with Babycakes' Baby Book. <br />
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And her photo page. <br />
<br />
And Skyping relatives. <br />
<br />
And all the other things that I seem to have to do with a first child.<br />
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How the heck do people do it? I need about twelve more hours in a day...<br />
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So be on the look out for a slew of new posts to come as I try to catch up and get on a more regular blogging schedule.
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<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54489/380/8CBFA9220A5AC203EDD779A3530EBF9E.png" style="border-image: none; border: 0px currentColor;" /></a>Cupcake Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10588999664483664504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071585038534793870.post-27273264358594124952014-06-23T19:04:00.000-07:002014-06-23T21:39:29.382-07:00Baby Blog: Two MonthsDear Babycakes,<br />
<br />
<u>Month Two</u><br />
Weight: 11 pounds, 6 ounces<br />
Length: 21.5 inches<br />
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Still playing catch up here. And yes, it's been two weeks since I last posted and I'm still three months behind on these things. Mommy is not a perfect person and well, she's got a lot on her plate.<br />
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Two months was a great month because you suddenly became interesting! You started to coo and babble and smile. That first smile, that I was sure was not gas, took my breath away. And then you were doing it all the time. Daddy and I would take turns to see who could make you smile more because those big grins were like crack. You couldn't help but love them and want more and more. Basically we just walked around the house smiling like idiots all month. Well, not really because you still weren't sleeping all that great.<br />
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Month two was also when I was completely on my own with you for the first time. Daddy went back to work. Grammy went back to Massachusetts and Grampy followed a week and a half later. Grandma even went to Texas for two weeks leaving me all. alone. I was a bit terrified at first, thinking I would somehow break you or hurt you or forget something and screw everything up. But after the first few nights you and I got into a routine that worked and managed to start making this mommy and baby thing work. It also helped that you were a pretty agreeable baby. A bit fussy at times, especially between nine and midnight still, but not horrible. I had expected 24 hours of a screaming, wailing child, inconsolable and making me pull my hair out. But you ate well and slept occasionally, but mostly you were content to just lay in my arms or swing in your swing and just chill. I am not sure we will get lucky enough with such an easy going baby if we were to someday, if we were to lose our minds, try this crazy experience again.<br />
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The day you turned two months old also marked the end of my maternity leave and my first day back to work, something I'll get into for next month's letter. I had loved the two months we had together, the last of which was mostly just you and me was cherished time. The change in our schedule was upsetting to say the least. But I am so happy you and I got that one on one time together and really get a chance to bond. I'd take the sleepless nights and two hour feedings all over again if that meant more time with you!<br />
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We had your two month check up and this was the dreaded first shots visit. I stressed about this because I wasn't sure how you would react to the shots and how we would react to you reacting. Like most things I was over thinking everything. The doctor checked you out, declared you perfectly healthy, answered all my dumb questions (Is her poop really supposed to be that color? Why does she shove her whole fist in her mouth instead of just her thumb? Answers: Yes and because you can) and then told us the nurse would be in to give you your shots. Two in one leg, one in another and one orally. You were smiling and happy until the pricks happened and then your little face crumpled right up and your lip quivered and WHAAAAAA!!!! But the nurse was very efficient and you barely got two breaths out before I had you nursing. Three sucks and you were fine as could be and back to being a smiley baby. That evening we watched you very closely but other than a ramped up amount of fussiness you didn't seem to react poorly. We gave you half a dosage of baby Tylenol to help you get comfortable and you were fine. I think seeing you get poked hurt us more than you.<br />
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This month you officially outgrew all your newborn clothes so we moved into three month sizes. Some of the newborn clothes you never even wore. You also ventured into size one in diapers for about two weeks before you out grew those too and we had to move you into size two. You were growing like a weed and learning things every day. And we were learning too. Like how dairy upset your tummy so I tried to eat as little as I could (although I can't give up my cheese all together) And you were not particularly cuddly, in fact when you were upset you barely liked to be held. We called it stiff baby and we would just have to try and mould you in to a more pliable position so we could feed you or change you. <br />
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The main thing you had going for you was your incomprehensible cuteness. I say incomprehensible because not an hour went by when Daddy and I wouldn't think how did we make such an adorable baby? You really just seemed to get cuter every day, which came in handy those times when you hadn't slept all night and I was seriously rethinking this whole parenting thing. One look at your sweet face and I was a goner, lost in those big blue eyes. Suddenly the crying didn't matter so much any more. Because you were my baby and I couldn't be luckier.<br />
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Love, Mommy<br />
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<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54489/380/8CBFA9220A5AC203EDD779A3530EBF9E.png" style="border-image: none; border: 0px currentColor;" /></a>Cupcake Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10588999664483664504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071585038534793870.post-37591284153680336722014-05-31T21:01:00.000-07:002014-05-31T22:04:24.695-07:00Boobs! More Than Just Fun BagsBreasts. Boobies. Ta-tas. <br />
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There are several words for women's milk machines (hey, there's another one!) but their intended purpose has always been clear. As shirt fillers and devices to get free drinks. At least that is what I thought before I had a baby.<br />
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I never gave much thought to my breasts before. Sure, I would bemoan their size (on the bigger side I was always wanting less while other women desired more) and my inability to comfortably sport a spaghetti top or strapless anything was a thorn in my summer-lovin' side. As far as sexual objects, I knew men love a good set of jugs, but I wasn't one to flaunt or display them on purpose although their prominence made that inevitable at times. But as to their real purpose, I never stopped to think about providing food for a future child until I became pregnant. And then all I did was worry and stress about being able to do it correctly. I knew breastfeeding was challenging, many women often give up due to frustration or lack of support. I was determined to make it work because I wanted the best for my baby, but realistically I knew I may not be able to adequately feed my child. And I would be okay with that. But darn it if I was going to go down without a fight. Still, the questions loomed. Would I produce enough milk? Would my child latch properly? Would it hurt? Within the first month of attempting this thing called breastfeeding I would have answers to those burning questions: Yes, eventually. Yes, eventually. And hell YES, right away.<br />
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As I stated in my after birth post, we all know my lack of milk right away led to Babycakes being holed up in a luxury suite in the NICU. While a very long and scary week for us, that time also provided me some much needed practice and tutorials from nursing staff about the elusive art of breastfeeding and, more importantly, pumping. Because while breastfeeding proved to be challenging and a bit daunting with the myriad of problems I hit along the way, pumping was second nature for me. Once I learned a few tricks, and really listened to my body and read it's signs, I became a pumping champion. Which provided me the opportunity to feed my baby my own milk rather than formula pretty much right away. By day two of her stay in the NICU I was producing enough milk to keep Babycakes' daily feedings to be solely from me. Something I was very proud of. But pumping, while great at keeping up my supply and getting my daughter the nourishment she needed, is very time consuming. So in order to keep my life from being a constant repertoire of pump, feed, clean, repeat every hour, I would need to get these titties in check and make them step up to the plate.<br />
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My first stumbling block was the pain. I had heard about engorgement and wondered what it would feel like when my milk came in. Being a rather large-chested girl I bemused that there wasn't much further my double lattes could go in the heavier than thou department. Ha! Little did I know how huge and uncomfortable the sudden influx of milk could make not just my sweater stretchers ache, but my whole body. And pumping would only ease some of the issue. I needed a good feed to make those bad boys behave, only to have them flair up again before the next feeding. But Babycakes had a bit of a latching issue which made for very sore and very chapped Mommy bits. The first time I pumped, after three days of trying, and failing, to get Babycakes to latch and feed properly, I produced more blood than milk and had to toss the whole lot. My joy at discovering lanolin helped clear up that problem but the latching issue was still weighing over both of us. Frustration levels were so high there were times I had to put her down and walk away because she was screaming so much at not being able to eat and I was crying at not being able to help her. I would yell at this poor, helpless infant to just take the damn nipple, I'm trying to help you as she screamed and screamed and I screamed along with her in fatigue. I constantly worried I would suffocate the poor thing as she tried to take my massive girth into her itty bitty mouth. I tried every hold imaginable, cradle, football, laying down, even hovering over her like a looming hot air balloon, dangling the gift basket of food over her open mouth. Nothing worked. I felt defeated and sore and lacking the confidence to consider a day when I would be good at this thing that centuries of women before did effortlessly while still performing household chores and I couldn't grasp with a multitude of tutorials at my fingertips.<br />
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Desperate for anything that may help, I reached out to a local La Leche League member and asked for some assistance. While some of the things this woman told me over the phone were interesting and a few things were angles I never considered before, I figured a visit to one of their meetings may shed the holy light on this mythical thing called breastfeeding. Charming and I loaded up the babe and went to what turned out to be a complete waste of two hours of our lives. Time we will never get back and left us somewhat scarred beyond help. Now, I'm not going to bash anyone on here because everyone has their own way of doing things, but my expectations of that meeting were so far away of what actually occurred I can't believe I would be so naive. I envisioned a group of women providing one-on-one service to those of us struggling to get to the point where we could whip our globes out and pop the kid on in no time, all without flashing too much skin and continuing to do whatever we were doing before the child wanted to be fed. I just needed HELP. I needed someone to show me what I was doing wrong so that Babycakes and I could get over this hump and into the part where the bonding was supposed to happen. Because right now, breastfeeding was a pain in the ass and I was rapidly losing patience. What we got was a room full of women intent on socializing together while their multiple children ran around screaming loud enough to test sound barriers and occasionally coming up to mom for a snack. While I'm open-minded and all for nourishing your child, when they can walk up to you and take it out themselves while you still chat with your friend about the great eco-friendly biodegradable diapers you made from leftover burlap (you think I'm exaggerating, but I'm not) it's time to turn off the tap. There was an actual discussion about how to wean a five year-old so that he could play T-ball without needing some num-nums from mom. We should have walked out long before then.<br />
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I then turned to my saving grace in those dark, dark weeks. My friends came through loud and clear and helped drag me out of the pits of despair by letting me know they all suffered too. They all felt like they hated their child and themselves and wondered if they would get there. And they survived! But I attribute a visit by my friend A as my turning point. She came to see how I was doing, meet Babycakes and offer any advice she could with my situation. And what she said changed everything about my predicament. "Relax," she told me. "You're her mom, you know what to do that is best for her. Everything else will just happen and that's okay." It seemed so easy and yet so incredibly hard at the same time. But she was right. Once I didn't let all my mystical inadequacies bog me down, once I just let what would happen, happen, it became so easy. I became almost zen, so much so Charming even remarked how much more serene and relaxed I was about everything. Once I let go of the fear and realized things would work out no matter what, I was able to do it! And I've never looked back.<br />
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I've had a few stumbling blocks along the way. A dip in my supply when I went back to work. The first time I had to feed in public. Reworking our lives around Babycakes' feeding schedule (I've gotten great at feeding in the backseat of our car while running errands.) Her recent game of let's see how far I can turn my head and still stay attached. But for the most part breastfeeding has become just another part of our day for me. So much so I had a hard time remembering those really hard first few weeks that feel so long ago. I'm happy to report that rather than a time for frustration and pain, it's a time that's just for Babycakes and me. A time for us to bond and be together. For me to nourish her and for her to receive the greatest thing I could provide for her. Besides shoving her out into this world of course.<br />
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<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54489/380/8CBFA9220A5AC203EDD779A3530EBF9E.png" style="border: 0px currentColor;" /></a>Cupcake Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10588999664483664504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071585038534793870.post-65030418701845706032014-05-17T21:03:00.000-07:002014-05-17T22:24:30.748-07:00Baby Blog: One MonthDear Babycakes,<br />
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So this is where I will be documenting each month of your life for at least the first year, hopefully. When you get old enough to read these you are going to realize by the date stamps that these first three months were written after you already turned four months old. This is due to the fact that having you threw life off kilter for the first few months and Mommy needed some time to adjust and figure things out. Do I wish I had written these when things were fresh in my mind so you would have a more accurate account of what happened when you were first born? Yes. I also wish I had filled out your baby book in a timely matter, but that didn't happen either. So you will just have to accept the fact that your Mommy is a very well-intended person, she means well and wants the best for you but can't always follow through as she would like. I hope as your life progresses I'll get better at all of this but I'm only human, so I'm bound to make mistakes here and there from time to time. Also, I procrastinate. A lot. Something else I'll have to work on or I'll set such a bad example for you that together we'll be making paper mache volcanoes the night before they are due for your fifth grade science project. <br />
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On second thought, Daddy is going to be in charge of all things constructed so hit him up for that one.<br />
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Anyway, your first month of life was a bit of a whirlwind. After spending a week in the NICU (see previous birth posts if you dare to read all the gory details of your birth), Daddy and I took you home to see if we could keep you alive on our own. That week in the hospital, while terrifying and agonizing to be away from you, also helped us out a bit. We got some one on one attention when it came to tutorials in how to best change you, bathe you and feed you. And it was reassuring to have hospital staff on hand to help us out when we needed it. Now you were home and we were responsible for your well being, a daunting task, especially when we had a hard time figuring out what you wanted. You cried A LOT and wanted to eat ALL THE TIME. Mommy's troubles with breastfeeding lead to some frustrating times so there were tears on both sides. Those first four weeks are a blur of waking and feeding and dozing and feeding and maybe a shower here if I had the energy to stand up for the amount of time it took to wash myself. Luckily we had a lot of help for the first month.<br />
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Your dad was a huge help, doing all the running around (and there was a lot of running to do trying to get all the insurance nonsense figured out) and chores. Also, all your grandparents were there to lend a hand. Daddy's mom and my parents cooked and cleaned and ran to the store more times than I could count. They were also great tag teamers to hand you off to so I could get some rest. Since you had to eat every hour to hour and a half we kept you in a bassinet next to our bed so I could easily slip out to feed you and change you through the night. Once morning hit and everyone else got up I would catch a few winks while Grammy and Grampy attempted to rock you and get you to sleep in between feedings. I say attempted because you didn't sleep much that first month. And even though I knew someone else had you in their very capable hands, my internal Mommy-alarm would wake me up every time I even sensed you may be crying. So not a lot of sleep to be had.<br />
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We became obsessed with your diapers, looking for regular poop and pee. We would cheer when you pooped because that was a sign you were getting enough to eat and no more trips to the hospital would be necessary. When it became apparent you would continue to poop several times a day, the cheers became less and less frequent as the changing of the diapers became more and more unbearable. Whoever said breastfed babies' poop doesn't smell never met your dirty diapers. Daddy still threatens to buy a gas mask.<br />
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You had certain hours of the night that we dubbed your "Witching Hours," the time when nothing we did helped soothed you. From the hours of nine to midnight you would cry and cry and cry. Rocking didn't help, feeding you didn't help, you hated binkies and ninja-ed out of the swaddles. You wanted to be miserable and to make everyone else miserable with you. And often you succeeded. We would make a joke of it saying we knew we couldn't do anything between that time because you wouldn't let us. I'm almost positive you had a bit of colic although I could never get the doctor to say that directly.<br />
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At your first doctor's appointment we were happy to discover you had gained back all the weight you had lost from before you went into the hospital as well as a few more ounces to make you one plump and healthy baby. By the end of the first month you weighed nine pounds and five ounces and were twenty and three quarters inches long. Well on your way to pudgy baby country. For each doctor's appointment I would bring along my notebook of questions to ask your doctor, which she patiently answered instead of rolling her eyes at how stupid I must sound as a first time parent. Some of the things that concerned us was how you would go stiff as a board whenever you were upset or uncomfortable, like when you had a burp stuck. It made it impossible to bend you to burp and seemed a futile response to what was necessary to help relieve your discomfort. You had one eye that gooped up a lot and oozed which we were told was a blocked tear duct (that question also lead me to discover babies your age don't produce tears when they cry. Something I never knew.) Your hands were always cold no matter how bundled I made you and you managed to kick socks off seconds after they were put on, every single time. There were a lot of questions but we were reassured everything concerning you was normal. Your coloring from the jaundice had returned to normal and you were eating well when I could get you to latch. You survived your first bath and had five people around you 24/7 whose sole purpose was to make you as happy as possible. And we did for the most part I think.<br />
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Mostly, we marveled that Daddy and I made you. You were ours. And we loved you so much. Even when you kept us up all night and pooped through three outfits in ten minutes (Seriously, how does something so small produce so much ick?) and refused to sleep at all. You were precious and adorable and all ours.<br />
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And we couldn't be happier.<br />
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Love, Mommy<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54489/380/8CBFA9220A5AC203EDD779A3530EBF9E.png" style="border: 0px currentColor;" /></a>Cupcake Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10588999664483664504noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071585038534793870.post-8990127930060385262014-05-10T21:15:00.000-07:002014-05-10T22:31:01.486-07:00The Mother Of All Mothers Of A PostA year ago today I didn't know something that would change our lives forever. I spent last Mother's Day sad and depressed because we had just decided to give up on the possibility of having a family. I figured I would never experience someone making me clay hand prints painted red and construction paper cards reading "I Love You Mom," and I was trying to be okay with that. I would use this special day to honor the important women in my life, my mother, my grandmother and my MIL and know that I didn't need to be a mother myself to enjoy the day.<br />
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Little did I know I would be here, one year later, with an almost four month-old beautiful baby girl, ready to celebrate my first of many Mother's Days to come. It is amazing how quickly everything can change. How so completely your life can be one thing one minute and something else entirely the next. I think back one year ago and I feel like a different person from that sad woman who was trying to convince herself she didn't need a child to feel whole. But now that I am a mother I can't ever imagine not being one.<br />
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That being said, it hasn't been a whole bucket of roses. Being a mom is awesome, yes. Most of the time. But parts of this new job I "volunteered" for, frankly, suck. I knew there would be challenges, hurdles and set-backs, but in my idealized Disney-loving mind I never fully grasped how hard things could become. Silly me envisioned cute clothes and brisk walks in the stroller, people ohhing and ahhing over our cute little pint. And that sunny picture does happen. But the dark side never reared its ugly head in my fantasies. Even with all the babysitting and nannying I did for fifteen-odd years did nothing to prepare me for the first time I really felt like I wanted to throw my baby across the room.<br />
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*gasp* Things are getting real here.<br />
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Don't worry your little heads. I would never EVER hurt my baby. NEVER. But that doesn't mean the frustration of her failing to latch, screaming her head off and me having little sleep didn't make that thought pop into my head. And I immediately put Babycakes in a safe spot and stepped away to catch my breath and of course felt like a horrible horrible person and the worst mother ever after. I even ended up crying as much as she was and apologized to her over and over for even entertaining a negative thought about her adorableness. I was shocked, shocked, to have such a thought enter my brain. And here was my first lesson in motherhood. It's not always sunshine and smiles.<br />
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The whole first month of Babycakes' life I struggled with these feelings of inadequacy and failure. Our troubles with breastfeeding (More on this soon. Yay a whole post about BOOBS!) were some of the toughest days of my life. Tougher than anything I had to do in school or with my job. Because it was just all so frustrating. I was trying to feed her. Trying to HELP her, and she fought me all. the. time. There were times I would yell at her "Don't you understand it's for your own good?" while sobbing over her own frustrated cries. And yet another lesson in Mommyhood. Kids often don't do what they should. I was going to have to work with her and help her and be patient. Patience, admittedly my worst virtue, is something I would have to work on. Somehow I found the strength to push through and find that patience and we finally succeeded. Another mommy lesson learned, don't give up. Patience and perseverance. I'm sure I'll be using both of those traits often in the years to come.<br />
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I'll admit there were times I didn't really like my daughter. I would wonder what we got ourselves into as she woke up again after only sleeping a half hour and demanded more MORE from me. Or worry we made a huge mistake when I had to change her clothes for the fourth time in one day due to some hazardous substance oozing in all the wrong places all over her cute outfits. Charming and I were happy as a couple. We had a good life. Why the hell did we want to upset that? But there was no going back and we were stuck in this life and would I ever be happy again? Because in the whirlwind of her birth and NICU stay, I hadn't really had the time or energy to stop and consider my feelings toward finally being a mom. And then we dropped headfirst into breastfeeding troubles and fears and issues and I began to wonder would I ever settle down and start loving this? Would I ever stop feeling like a cow/disposal expert/sleepless zombie and bond with her? Did I even WANT her now that she was here? Did I still resent her for not being a boy? I worried I was seeped in postpartum depression. That the reality of a baby was nothing like my fantasy and I didn't want this life changing thing anymore. I worried that I was never going to feel like a mother to this screaming, inconsolable, needy thing. I was never going to be a real mom.<br />
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And then one day, Babycakes looked at me. Nothing special about it except that it felt like she REALLY looked at me. Like she was saying with those big blue eyes of hers, hey you, I'm here now, love me. And I looked back and drowned in the sea that is her eyes and was lost. I fell hard and fast and realized all the frustration and worry and problems stemmed from this incredible, bottomless love I felt for this defenseless creature. I loved her so much I wanted everything to be perfect and great because she deserves the best and I couldn't deliver. In that instant, the depth of my love for her consumed me and allowed me to see that no matter what happened between us, no matter how many times I felt like I was failing her, I would always love her and she would always love me.<br />
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And with that one look I discovered the best part about being a mom. And not just any mom, but Babycakes' mom. My baby. My darling. My heart. My little everything. I love you and I'm so happy you picked me to be your mom.<br />
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Happy Mother's Day to all the incredible, hard-working moms out there. You all make it look so effortless but I now know the real work behind the scenes. Every day you fight to be the best mother you can be. Here's to me one day kicking ass too!<br />
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And to my own mom, I love you and I'm sorry for any trouble I ever gave you in my whole life. I am paying for it now ten-fold (much to your glee I'm sure.) I also see how hard you worked at letting me be me and I hope I can pass along the same wonderful lessons you gave me to my own daughter. Love you mom! Thanks for everything.<br />
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<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54489/380/8CBFA9220A5AC203EDD779A3530EBF9E.png" style="border: 0px currentColor;" /></a>Cupcake Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10588999664483664504noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071585038534793870.post-4335826924723094362014-05-05T14:59:00.000-07:002014-05-05T15:58:55.345-07:00The Birth: NICUWhen we left off I had given birth to our amazing baby girl, spent the day and night from hell in the most uncomfortable hospital room ever, been discharged a mere 24 hours after giving birth and waited around the rest of the day for a beleaguered nursery staff to finally finish up with our daughter so we could go home. We were walked out by my nurses around 8PM (they have to check to make sure the car seat is installed correctly before we can take the baby), almost 48 hours to the minute we first stepped through those doors. Difference was, our lives were now irrevocably changed.<br />
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Amazing how much could happen in only two days.<br />
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We got home and just kinda looked around in shock. I still couldn't believe we were home, with a BABY and they expected us to take care of it! She was so tiny and delicate and so many things could go wrong. And I was so so so tired. I still had not slept more than a few 20 minute naps here and there or so in the past 60 hours. I was beginning to understand how the crab fisherman feel on the Bering Sea. Right down to the sore muscles and blurred vision. But the baby was sleeping and things seemed like we would be okay.<br />
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Two hours later I didn't know how we were going to make it another second. She would not stop screaming. Nothing worked. I fed her pretty much around the clock, causing my nipples to go raw and cracked, rocked her, walked around, cuddled her, lay her down when it became too much. But it went on the whole night. Inconsolable. Panicked. Terrified. And the baby was pretty messed up too. Then at 10 AM, she settled down and slept for the first time. Only an hour but we finally got a nap. I had read that a baby's second night of life is the worst because they finally realize their not in the nice warm womb anymore and holy crap real life sucks. So I was prepared for this type of reaction. I figured the worst was behind us and soon we would fall into our schedule and everything would be fine.<br />
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And everything was fine all day. Mostly we were concerned about poop. I never imagined we would be so invested in a bodily function. We charted it and timed how long between because we were told non-regular poops meant she wasn't getting enough to eat. Things were going well. Until we hit 10PM again and it started all over. Screaming, crying, can't be soothed. Charming's mom had stayed the night because we had had such a horrible time the night before, she figured she could help. But with me breastfeeding there was little for her or Charming to do. So I sent them to bed because there was no need for all of us to be sleep deprived. I figured I would sleep in the morning when they got up and could hold the baby for me. It was a constant struggle for four hours and nothing I did worked. When she wouldn't nurse anymore, the only thing that soothed her for a bit, I started to get worried. Then I calculated that we hadn't seen any poop in too long a time. My worry ratcheted up a whole lot. I was downstairs so no one heard the baby screaming until I couldn't stand it any more and went upstairs to wake my MIL to see if she knew what could be wrong. We tried everything and I finally broke down and called the pediatrician hotline for advice from the on call nurse. I explained everything, how old she was, how she won't stop crying and now she wouldn't nurse, and she told me to take her temperature.<br />
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102.2<br />
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I about fell down when I read that. In fact I took it again just to be sure. 101.9. The nurse told us to get back to the hospital as quick as we could. A temperature that high in a baby so young is nothing to mess around with. Sobbing, I went to wake Charming and told him we had to go to the hospital. We had only had our baby home for a day and already we had broken her.<br />
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We got to the emergency room and got her admitted and waited for what felt like an eternity for someone to see us. As we waited, I kept staring at my daughter willing what I was seeing to not be true. She was steadily turning more and more yellow as time went on. Jaundice. When the doctor came in and checked her out her temp was still high so they gave her some baby Tylenol. He confirmed my fears of jaundice. Then they said because her temp was so high and that is unusual in babies so young, they had to do a spinal tap to test for meningitis.<br />
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A spinal tap. On my barely three-day old infant.<br />
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My head was spinning with everything going on and I lost it. I couldn't stop crying. They sent us out of the room so they could perform the procedure. Sitting in the waiting room all I could focus on was the fact that just a day ago were in this very same hospital, leaving with our newborn daughter, all full of hope and promise. Now the same place had turned evil and scary and my daughter was defenseless without me being poked and prodded by strangers. It was a very long twenty minutes.<br />
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When they finally let us back into the room they informed us our baby was so dehydrated they couldn't get a drop of fluid out of her spine for the spinal tap. So they would have to do it again. In the meantime she was going to be admitted into the NICU, pumped full of fluids, tested for every disease under the sun that could cause her high temp and treated for jaundice. Then we were told the information that shook me to my core. Most likely the extreme dehydration led to the high temp and caused the jaundice. And the dehydration was because she wasn't getting any milk from me.<br />
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It was my fault.<br />
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I had been steadily starving my baby for two days straight because my milk had not come in. I had caused her to get so dehydrated she had not a drop of fluid left in her body. My inadequacies had led to her spending an unknown amount of time in the hospital intensive care for newborns. Because I was unable to care properly for my child she was going to be alone and attended to by strangers.<br />
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This was all my fault.<br />
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That is all that went through my head in a continuous loop as I clutched my daughter when they wheeled us through the hospital to the NICU. It was my fault. I couldn't stop crying, I didn't want to give her up. I didn't want to leave her. But as they brought her into the isolation room (she had to be in isolation due to her coming in from the outside with an unknown high temp) and started to hook her up to IVs and sensors I was grabbed by the head nurse. She took me firmly by the shoulders, stared straight into my weary, tear streaked face and told me to go home and sleep for no less than 8 hours, they would take care of my baby, I didn't need to worry. She explained I had to take care of myself or I would be no good for my daughter because they would need me to pump for her as soon as I could. And my milk would never come going on four days of no sleep, exhausted and emotionally drained as I was. Through the haze I knew she was right. But leaving my baby there was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. And no matter what everyone kept telling me, how I couldn't have known or done anything different, I still felt like I caused all of this to happen.<br />
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So we went home. And I did sleep. And ate. And tried to relax. We came back ten hours later and donned our caps and gowns to finally see our daughter since we left. The sight of her hooked up to everything, under the lamps, machines beeping and her barely moving took my breath away. It was a sight that haunted my nightmares for the next few days. I couldn't stand to see my baby look so helpless and sick.<br />
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It is something I never want to see again.<br />
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But she was doing better and every hour seemed to improve. Miraculously the sleep had done my body good and I was able to pump out my first milk for my baby that evening, leading to an abundance of a supply as my milk REALLY came in. Haven't had a supply issue since. By the next day our baby had been moved to NICU II, a less intensive care unit (A move they failed to inform us of. Imagine coming in to see your baby and finding her room empty. Yes, I had a heart attack.) Over the next five days our daughter steadily got better and won over the entire NICU staff in the process. Her personal nurse claimed she was her favorite patient and when all the tests came back negative and it was finally time to go home did not want her to leave (we took her back to see her nurse a month later. She was so thrilled to see how big our little girl had gotten.) We had been lucky with the wonderful care our baby received and the fact that she was not the sickest one there. My heart broke for all the tiny babies in their incubators and beds. It has to be a very tough place to work. But then you get happy days like ours when we were cleared to bring our baby girl home. We got a second chance at trying this thing all over and I was determined not to screw up again.<br />
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But we're first time parents. So the screw ups kinda come with the territory. Happy to say no more hospital visits though, so score one for us!<br />
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The care our daughter received in the NICU was top notch and I firmly believe she got better so quickly because of how good the nurses were in that department. However, the lack of care by the nursery when she was first born is questionable. I can't help but think it may have led to our second hospital stay. If they had taken more time to fully check her over they could have noticed she was not getting enough fluids (we were informed of the nifty divot in the head trick after the whole event. When a baby is dehydrated their soft spot on top of their head will cave in) and encouraged us to give her formula to supplement since clearly she was not getting enough from me. But a combination of fear against telling a breastfeeding mother to give their baby formula and being understaffed caused us to fall through the cracks and it could have had devastating consequences. Look, I want to breastfeed my baby, but if a bottle of formula is going to help her get nourishment I can't give her, by all means, give her the formula! They're so scared to step on anyone's beliefs for their babies they forget they need to do what is right for the child. I stated my issues to several people who called and asked about my hospital stay and experience and I hope that maybe this lack of care doesn't happen to another family down the road.<br />
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I'm sure there are things I missed or messed up (I wish I had written all of these posts sooner than now, almost four months later) but for the most part this account is as accurate as I can remember of our entire birth experience. It was a week filled with fear, joy, stress, anger, bliss and more stress. And no sleep. At all. But in the end we got to take home our beautiful baby girl and start this crazy thing called our family.<br />
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Stay tuned for the ride.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54489/380/8CBFA9220A5AC203EDD779A3530EBF9E.png" style="border: 0px currentColor;" /></a>Cupcake Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10588999664483664504noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071585038534793870.post-25237030788689393652014-05-04T14:58:00.000-07:002014-05-04T15:17:19.616-07:00The Birth: AftermathI had done it! I had given birth to our beautiful daughter! None of the things I worried about happened. I didn't die, the baby didn't die, nothing scary happened where I needed surgery and most importantly, I didn't poop while pushing! Thirteen hours of labor and I still had my priorities straight. This may have been the main reason I declared to the entire room that what just happened wasn't that bad and I could do that again, much to everyone's mirth. I was riding the high of succeeding in something truly amazing and figured, why the heck not have a litter if the experience was going to be this pleasurable. I mean, it's still labor, there's a reason why they call it that, but I couldn't complain about how textbook everything went for me. I know we can't guarantee a second (or third??) would go as smoothly, but I certainly would not mind trying...in a while from now, of course.<br />
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After Baby Cupcake emerged, got cleaned off and was handed to me while my doctor stitched me up (I swear he pinched me twice with the stitches, he claims I jerked when a cotton ball touched me), I spent the next half an hour gazing at her, smiling for pictures being snapped by the nurses and attempted to nurse my baby for the first time. But everything started to creep up on me and I finally had to hand her over because I was TIRED and worried I may drop her. Then they sent our daughter off to the nursery to get more thoroughly checked out. Charming was under strict orders to not leave her side because I was paranoid about not bringing the right baby home from the hospital. I obviously watch way too much Lifetime.<br />
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Once my doctor finished making me whole again (only a low end two degree episiotomy and no tearing so I lucked out in that department) and baby was wheeled down to the nursery, new daddy in tow, the nurses set to putting me to rights. My vitals were checked every hour, my epidural taken out and my uterus massaged every half hour. This is NOT FUN. As the drugs wore off I started to feel how stretched and sore I was and my insides felt hollow and pulled. So having someone come in every thirty minutes and push down on this sensitive area was not a walk in the park. And it was going to happen all night. Joy. <br />
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Soon I was cleared to be admitted to my room. Here's where my blissful Disney-esque delivery story comes to a close and my own personal nightmare begins. Everyone associated with my delivery and the nurses who tended to me for the next twenty four hours were amazing. Everyone else? Not so much. It started with the room. Remember how I said there was an abundance of women giving birth and everyone was super busy and under prepared? Well, while this had not effected my birthing process (the slightly delayed epidural being the sole exception) the over crowded nature of the Labor and Delivery ward would cloud my state of bliss at what I accomplished over the next day and a half.<br />
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Because there were so many woman who had already given birth in the hours I had been experiencing my own labor, there was a shortage of recovery rooms available. So I was put in an extra room not exactly set up for patients correctly. When they wheeled me down the hall the nurse cheerfully stated it was right next to the door to get to the nursery so I would be right next door while my baby was in there. Sounds like a prime location, right? Not so much. Keep this fact in mind for a bit later. They tried to bring me in the room and someone else was in there with another patient, claiming THEY were supposed to get the room. I lay in the hall while it was sorted out and we must have won because I was brought in. I wish now they had put me somewhere else. Little things began to stand out. There was no clock in the room. No pillows so they had to get some. The shower leaked all over the bathroom floor which caused an interesting sludge of stuff I didn't want to step in after I showered off my delivery. The side rail wouldn't go down on one side of the bed. There was no table to eat off of (didn't realize this until my first meal came and there was no place to put the tray) and the temperature was just above freezing. As the hours went by I realized while the delivery rooms were soundproofed the recovery rooms were not. At all. I was supposed to be resting while my baby was getting checked out and couldn't sleep a wink because the lady next to me received no less than four phone calls, all of which shrilly rang through the wall and every word heard. I also heard her baby cry all. night. long. And that wonderful location near the door to the nursery? Well, the loud clang of that heavy security door opening and closing every five minutes as people went in and out made me think someone was coming into my room each time. Add in the fact someone did come in every hour to check my vitals and massage me means I got no sleep. And when things finally did quiet down and I thought I might be able to rest, they decided to wash and wax the floors outside my room. For about two hours.<br />
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Baby Cupcake and Charming had been gone over two hours before they finally joined me in my room. Charming and his mom headed home to get some sleep for a few hours and I was left alone with my daughter for the first time ever. I wish I could say that we bonded in that moment, but I was so exhausted I couldn't even think about sharing this special time. My head with spinning with everything I had to remember. How to feed her, when to feed her, when to check her diaper, how I, carefully, needed to go to the bathroom myself (that was a lovely process) and if I ever did drift off I had my baby's cries, the next door baby's cries, the nurses and the noises to wake me up constantly. It was a very, very long day and night. Add in the fact that no one came to check on my baby for over twelve hours and my stress level had skyrocketed. Because they were swamped in the nursery no one came to even take her temp like they were supposed to every few hours. I was alone, struggling to feed and take care of my baby while being so utterly exhausted I couldn't see straight. Finally, my nurses, around 2AM seeing that I desperately needed a break, persuaded me to send the baby to the nursery. Breastfeeding moms keep their babies with them constantly in the hospital. Which is fine, but not conducive to me getting any rest. By that time I had been up for 40 hours, gone through labor and given birth to a baby. I needed rest. So I agreed they could take the baby so I could sleep for a few hours. At least that was the plan. Forty minutes after my baby left me a nurse from the nursery threw my lights on and cheerfully announced my baby must be hungry because she won't stop crying so here she is! If I knew then what I know now I would have told them she could have a bottle of formula, I needed to sleep. But I did what I was told and tried feeding her again. And again. And again.<br />
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When Charming came the following afternoon to bring us home, I still hadn't slept and our baby was getting increasingly fussy. I had been discharged by 2PM but the baby couldn't leave until her final tests, including the hearing test, had been administered. And because of the amount of babies to attend to, you guessed it, they were behind. We did not get to leave until after 8PM and even then felt rushed, like we were hustled out too early. Our lovely insurance companies at work, 24 hours and you're outta there! <br />
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Unfortunately, our frustrations had only just begun. And the ineptitude of the nursery hospital staff was going to rear its ugly head in a way we never imagined.<br />
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To be continued...<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54489/380/8CBFA9220A5AC203EDD779A3530EBF9E.png" style="border: 0px currentColor;" /></a>Cupcake Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10588999664483664504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071585038534793870.post-45642089856395293142014-05-03T20:35:00.000-07:002014-05-03T20:55:36.819-07:00The Birth, Part TwoWhen we left off I was floating in a sea of drugged bliss, unaware at the rapid progression of my labor and the imminent arrival of our baby.<br />
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I've never been on drugs other than two pathetic attempts at smoking marijuana that lead to wondering what all the fuss was about and one sliver of a shroom at a concert once that only made me burp earth for four hours. My migraine meds are about as heavy as I get and those simply knock me out for a few hours. It was amazing to go from a whole lotta pain to nothing. Charming told me he had watched the monitor before I got the epidural and seen the contractions spike up to 30 or 40 the highest hitting 45 as I writhed and moaned and rolled from side to side. Once I got the drugs I was sitting up chatting like nothing was wrong and those babies were hitting 80 to 100 and off the charts and I couldn't feel a thing. Other than the lead legs, which I could still move and feel but they were heavy heavy heavy, I didn't have any side effects of the epidural. Something I was very happy about.<br />
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Baby's heartbeat had been hard to pick up through my massive mound of a belly, so intent was this kid on being a pain even before it was born, so the nurses ditched the belly monitor and poked a needle into my baby's head. Yes, I freaked out a bit about that too. Apparently they only just barely break the skin and it's in the soft spot where you can see their pulse go until their skulls fuse together after two years old or something, but holy crap! A needle in my baby while it's in me. So glad I didn't need an ammnio, not sure I could have handled that one. <br />
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Before I got the epidural I was at 6 centimeters and it was 5AM. I spent the next few hours drowsily flipping through TV channels, trying my best to not watch my station's morning news but there's not much else on at 5AM. Charming and my MIL slept in the two chairs in the room, but I couldn't sleep. My legs felt funky, heavy but I could still feel them. Also, I was paranoid about peeing the bed since I could no longer get up to use the bathroom. Logically I knew I had a catheter in, but my tired brain didn't compute that to mean I could pee and not wet the bed. I didn't even consider the fact I couldn't feel if I went or not until Charming held up my almost full catheter bag. I had been going all along and never knew it. Modern Medicine is amazing! No pain and peeing without regrets. Awesome! <br />
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Around 8 AM Charming and my MIL woke up and I sent them to the cafeteria to get some real breakfast because someone had to eat for me. They couldn't have been gone for more than twenty minutes but in that time the nurse informed me I was fully dilated and if I felt a lot of pressure and the need to push I needed to let her know. Minor freak out because when she left I was ALONE, convinced I was going to have this baby all by myself. But she was barely out of the room when Charming walked back in and was by my side. Before long I was saying I need to push NOW! In a flurry of activity my doctor was called, the room was prepared and everyone was manning their battle stations. Dr. F popped his head in as I was getting into the stirrups and I gleefully called out to him that I was right, I had told him yesterday I was having this baby. He informed me the timing couldn't have been more perfect because that night he was on a plane to San Francisco. I missed having my baby delivered by a stranger (okay, another doctor in the practice but a stranger to me. I hadn't met any other the other doctors and Dr. F had been with me every step of the way) by a few hours. Big relief! Dr. F said he was going to get a coffee, page him when it got interesting, and the rest of us got down to work.<br />
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Getting into position to give birth is a strangely surreal experience. You place you feet in these metal foot holders and have two people under your thighs to help prop you up. I had Charming on one side and the poor nursing student on my other. I apologized to her that that had to be her job for the day. Then you scoot all the way down to the edge of the table and your business is out there for a whole roomful to people to see not to mention the entire hospital because, of course, my bed faced the door. So if the curtain was not pulled, hello hallway, this is my cooch! What is surreal though is that you don't care. You could have marched the entire population of that hospital through that room and I am not sure I could have told you I noticed. I certainly didn't realize one of the other nurses that taken our camera and started snapping pictures of the whole process. Something we discovered a week later when going through pictures we had taken of our baby and then suddenly, there was my bloody special place live and in color in digital form. We were shocked but also thankful because none of us thought to grab the camera, we were busy trying to get the baby out, so it was nice to get those moments on film. Not sure I would have taken some of the more gnarly shots but hey, all part of the experience.<br />
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With my lower back securely planted into the bed (which later turned out to bruise my tailbone something fierce) it was now time to push. The head nurse stood between my legs, Charming under one knee, the student under the other, one nurse by my head helping me get up and down and one by the monitor watching everything. It took me a few times before I really got the hang of things. Wait for the pressure to build build build and then sit up, hold my breath and PUSH like you're having the biggest poo ever for ten whole seconds. Except it never was just ten whole seconds, the head nurse always wanted "just five more." Soon, I began to resent the head nurse. I got exhausted around seven seconds and barely made it to ten and then this b*tch wanted five more. Screw that. In fact I think I said that out loud. But I did it. Every time. And I didn't curse...much. I think one swear slipped out once. When they told me to stop pushing.<br />
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Stop pushing?? Were they insane? Everyone in that room had been cheering me on, pushing me to push and now they wanted me to NOT push when every single molecule in my body was straining to do just that! My body screamed PUSH and my worn out brain sent weak signals down to hold on, these idiots changed their mind. They don't want this baby to come out. They want me to hold it in forever. My body wasn't listening very well. But they had to get Dr. F in there to catch so I couldn't push. I had to stop. And that I think was the hardest thing to do out of everything I had done that day so far. To not do what every body part was forcing me to do beyond my will. That is the closest I had to an out of body experience. And the longest three minutes of my life.<br />
<br />
After an eternity, Dr. F showed up for the grand finale. Two pushes later the head popped out. One more big push and the baby slipped out and all that pressure vanished so suddenly I gasped. For one second I forgot what all the work was for because the relief was so acute. A baby. Our baby. I heard a cry and everyone was asking what is it, what is it? Dr F, always the jokester, held the baby up butt first to us and said "It's a baby!"<br />
<br />
When he said it's a girl, I had a tiny moment where I said in my head "It's a girl? But I wanted a boy." And then I heard her cry again and it didn't matter. We had a beautiful baby girl. Charming cut the cord and followed her over to the incubator where they did all her tests and weights and everything. Allow me to take a moment to comment on how incredible my husband was for me during this whole process. He wasn't sure he would be okay with all the messy stuff (a previous incident during a horse procedure on the farm lead to him passing out) but he was amazing. He was my coach through the whole thing and him cheering me on got me through all the pushing. I focused on his words of encouragement and found the strength to continue on when I was so so tired. And his exclamation of "I can see the head! It has hair!" is something I will remember always. The joy in his voice was so warming for me. Him cutting the cord was the perfect moment in an incredible experience for both of us, one we will always share together. The birth of our first child. And neither one of us passed out or puked!<br />
<br />
After only twenty minutes of pushing at 9:57AM on January 23rd, we received the greatest gift ever, what we had tried so hard for all those years to get. At six pounds, 15 ounces and 19 inches long, our Baby Girl was perfect in every way. In fact, everyone in the room said she was the prettiest newborn they'd ever seen. Not old man looking like so many new babies are. And maybe they were just saying that but we thought she was the most beautiful thing in the world. And as I held her I couldn't believe that a few hours ago she had been inside me and now she was here in my arms. The human body is really an amazing thing. We had a baby. We were parents at last.<br />
<br />
Now the real fun could begin.<br />
<br />
To Be Continued...<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWixJdcl9yj_HWlttwbGUf4zg4A75NVrAgjOLjD5GSxsiTg3ka-p7Uf4MxALGjGYsktKMGpqHMx0z5nJKwI8KiGphdmzDfnc23VHpPTp2i_w7bztjVLkU88iBgMZqPMXn8PcuR30ivwsA/s1600/baby+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWixJdcl9yj_HWlttwbGUf4zg4A75NVrAgjOLjD5GSxsiTg3ka-p7Uf4MxALGjGYsktKMGpqHMx0z5nJKwI8KiGphdmzDfnc23VHpPTp2i_w7bztjVLkU88iBgMZqPMXn8PcuR30ivwsA/s1600/baby+2.jpg" height="311" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54489/380/8CBFA9220A5AC203EDD779A3530EBF9E.png" style="border: 0px currentColor;" /></a>Cupcake Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10588999664483664504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071585038534793870.post-38506692871677888692014-05-02T17:48:00.004-07:002014-05-02T18:37:24.412-07:00The Birth, Part OneHow is it three months already (almost four!) since I gave birth??<br />
<br />
There goes my brilliant plan to blog about Baby Cupcake each month of her life. I'm already playing catch up. Oh well, I'm still getting the hang of this whole working motherhood thing.<br />
<br />
Here's where I put my warning...this is a birth story. So bodily fluids and things people may not want to know about my privates will be shared in full. You have been warned from reading forward if you don't want a detailed account of such things.<br />
<br />
My birth experience was not like I expected. I was prepared for panic, pain and a desire to never ever go through that again. What I got instead was a surprisingly pleasant experience (well as pleasant as pushing an almost seven pound human out your hoo-ha can be) that made me say when it was all over, "Well, I wouldn't mind doing that again," making the whole hospital staff in the room laugh.<br />
<br />
Movies give us a glamorized, dramatized view of what labor and the birth of a baby is like. Since I had no frame of reference myself, I relied on the Hollywood version, sprinkled with the accounts of close people I know, to give myself an idea of what I may be in for. I knew I wanted drugs, no question there, but I was curious to experience some of what real labor felt like. I intended to wait for the drugs as long as I could hold out, something my doctor thought was "cute" and "totally unnecessary." He was sure I was going to cave pretty early on, but I was determined to wait.<br />
<br />
On January 22, we had gone to my weekly checkups at both doctors (High Risk monitored the baby, my OB checked me over. Every week. For the last month. That wasn't taxing at. all.) and I mentioned to my OB I was ready to have this kid. I mentioned this while his hands were up there checking my two centimeter dilated cervix. He answered "Oh, really?" and I felt a pinch, after which he winked at my MIL when she asked if he stripped my membranes. But still, I hadn't felt any different. Still no conclusive contractions, no back pain more than usual, no sign the end my be imminent. We went home and proceeded on with our day.<br />
<br />
Later that evening, at 7PM, we picked up a pizza and headed over to my MIL's house for dinner. I walked in the door, handed the pizza to her and felt a WOOSH down there. I looked at Charming and my MIL.<br />
<br />
"I think my water just broke."<br />
<br />
We were hesitant to believe that may be true since two weeks before I had thought the same thing when I had gotten scared by a giant flaming praying mantis (don't ask, it's Vegas) and felt a gush in my pants. Turns out I had just peed myself. So this so called "water breaking" needed to be investigated. In we all marched to the bathroom where I sat and looked at my pretty wet pants. My MIL said that my water would not smell like urine but would have a different distinct smell. So what else could we do but have me wipe and then sniff the paper. Three grown adults, myself sitting on the toilet, my husband and my MIL standing over me, each sniffing a damp piece of toilet paper that had previously been between my legs.<br />
<br />
And people say families don't bond.<br />
<br />
We determined it was definitely NOT pee and yes, my water most likely had broken, with nary a contraction in sight. This is when I announced I was not leaving until I had eaten because I knew once we got to the hospital it would be nothing but ice chips for me. <br />
<br />
So we sat. And I ate. I ate like a woman who was never going to eat again. Four pieces of pizza, a soda (gasp!) and various other things I could get into my maw before I was told no more food. Then we went back into the bathroom, checked the paper again (still not pee!) and loaded into the car.<br />
<br />
Here is where Charming and I's story may differ. He remembers me refusing to go to the hospital or get into the car until he promised we could stop at our house so he could feed the cats, get my bag and some snacks for him and his mother to prepare for the long haul of labor. I remember stating my case logically that we had plenty of time, I wasn't even contracting yet, and the hospital wasn't going anywhere. He countered with the idea of getting me to the hospital, finding out if I would be admitted or if they would send me home and THEN he would go home and get the bag etc. I re countered with the fact that once I got admitted I probably would not want him to leave so we better get the bag now and this baby isn't going to come any time soon. He started another point but then I bit his head off and said I WANT MY BAG NOW and we went home at that time.<br />
<br />
Later, when all was said and done, I hardly had touched my precious bag of stuff I HAD to have, but I would never admit that to Charming. I was right and he was wrong. I was the one in labor after all.<br />
<br />
We stopped at home and after Charming and my MIL had rushed inside to gather everything together and tend to the cats I quietly sat in the car, on my trash bag, wondering when I was going to feel something. I still just felt uncomfortable so I was sure the bad part hadn't started yet. So I did what any normal woman would do. I Googled what percentage of women have their water break before any contractions. Fewer than 15 percent! I felt kinda cool at that point.<br />
<br />
We arrived at the hospital and I shuffled on in, losing the battle to bring everything with us because Charming was still thinking they were going to send me back home. We got to the check in desk right before the close at 8PM for the night and ran into a couple who were checking in ahead of us. While her husband talked to the receptionist, the wife told me she had started having contractions that morning and had been sent home once already. They were hoping to be admitted this time. Charming started to gloat he may be right, I was going to be sent home, when they came to fetch me to bring me back and see if my water had broken. It had and I was almost three centimeters dilated, so we were admitted and Charming went out to get the bag (Ha!)<br />
<br />
The next hour was a blur of activity. Getting set up in our room, meeting the nursing staff, getting ahold of my doctor. It all went by in a blink and suddenly it was after 9PM. I know what time it was because I got my first contraction then. WOWZA! Okay, so everyone telling me I would know when I was in labor was right. No missing that. We discussed with the nurses about my options for the epidural and I said I wanted to wait a bit. So we settled in for the long haul.<br />
<br />
Everyone was thrilled we didn't know what we were having. Most people don't keep it a surprise so we were a novelty they usually don't experience. People coming in and out were excited to find out what was inside me and it made the experience a bit more fun for all of us. I got blood drawn, got my IV set up, went over my medical information and all the while had steadily increasing contractions that made me roll around on the bed like a pig with a broken leg if the sounds coming out of me were any indication. Around midnight they started the Picodin because I wasn't progressing enough. Then the contractions and the pain ratcheted up exponentially. I made sounds I never knew possible and could not get comfortable. So finally around 4AM I asked for the drugs. I had experienced all I wanted to, seven hours was apparently my limit and I needed to be numb NOW!<br />
<br />
Here's where I interject the ironic part of my labor experience. It was a full moon. And funnily enough, this full moon seemed to catapult every pregnant woman in the are into labor at the same time. Eight women were admitted when I got the last room on the floor that night. Seven more came in the next morning while I was in the middle of working on bringing a baby into this world. So in the span of 24 hours fifteen babies were born at our hospital and the staff was a bit overwhelmed. But through my whole labor I never felt neglected. Until I needed my epidural. My breaking point coincided with another woman needing an emergency C-section and everyone was helping with that, including the anesthesiologist. So I had to wait. And wait. And wait. For my drugs. And that is a long wait when you are done with pain and want some relief and sleep. A whole hour. My poor nurse felt so bad for me because every time she came in the room I looked at her so hopefully that she was going to finally say "We're taking your pain away now!" I am happy those rooms were very soundproofed because other than when the doors opened at the same time I only heard another woman once screaming and I hope no one else could hear me once I got going because I have some lungs on me and I used them.<br />
<br />
But back to the epidural. Finally the doctor came in and explained the whole procedure and all I was thinking while he was talking was shut up and make it so I can't feel my legs please. But I tried to comply and asked that they walk me through each step. Because here's the thing about epidurals that I did not know. You have to participate. You have things I must, or rather must not do, namely you are not allowed to move. I had no idea who hard it would be to stay still as contractions wracked my body and Charming and a nurse each held me down. The doctor was great, told me everything he was doing and what the result would be for me. A small prick of the local. Warmth spreading over my back. Then cold down my legs. Then he lied.<br />
<br />
"You'll feel a small eclectic shock down your left leg when I make contact with the nerve, but don't move!"<br />
<br />
Small eclectic shock my ass. It felt like I stuck my toe in a light socket and I jackknifed off that table so hard I about kicked Charming and my nurse in the head. Everyone, my husband included, screamed at me to NOT MOVE and I collapsed crying because I had failed in the ONE thing I needed to do. As the drugs slowly took the pain away and made my legs feel like lead, I continued to cry and apologize to everyone that came into the room about how sorry I was that I had moved when I was told explicitly not to and that I was a horrible horrible patient. Soon the drugs made everything okay and I didn't care I almost punted two people across the room while simultaneously causing a doctor to paralyze me for life. I was getting ready for stage two of this labor process.<br />
<br />
To be continued...<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54489/380/8CBFA9220A5AC203EDD779A3530EBF9E.png" style="border: 0px currentColor;" /></a>Cupcake Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10588999664483664504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071585038534793870.post-74968306508297080712014-03-02T23:14:00.000-08:002014-03-02T23:14:05.915-08:00The Update<br />
Hello. I have crawled out of my newborn delirium haze to finally bring you an update. I gave birth to a fabulous baby girl on January 23rd.<br />
<br />
Five weeks ago.<br />
<br />
Holy crap...I have a five week old?<br />
<br />
Where did the time go??<br />
<br />
I am surviving. Every day is a new experience. Some days I don't get dressed. Some days if I get my teeth brushed it is a huge accomplishment. Other days I feel a rush of energy and actually do laundry and clean the bathrooms in between feedings and changing. Those days don't happen often but they do happen.<br />
<br />
I am terrified to go back to work. I have a hard enough time doing this mom thing while not working full time, I can't imagine having the energy to concentrate on my job. Also, I'll be away from my baby. Away from her! I don't like that idea. Not at all. And for nine hours a day!! That is going to be a shock.<br />
<br />
But I still have three weeks until I have to face that challenge. So now I'll focus on my delicious baby and reveal in the small miracles we have every day. Because every day I keep her alive and relatively happy is a miracle for me.<br />
<br />
Birth story to come!!<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54489/380/8CBFA9220A5AC203EDD779A3530EBF9E.png" style="border: 0px currentColor;" /></a>Cupcake Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10588999664483664504noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071585038534793870.post-19314926689682103862014-01-17T22:31:00.004-08:002014-01-17T22:31:59.798-08:00Ready For Baby<br />
We are as set as we can be. And now the waiting begins. This baby is coming, but it's anyone's guess as to when it is going to make its grand appearance.<br />
<br />
As of Wednesday's doctor's appointment I am 2.5 cm dilated. Which really is nothing. I could be this way for weeks. Weeks I tell you! But we hope it is a big sooner than that because I am getting very uncomfortable. Everything wears me out and I can't do much any more. Which makes me feel bad because Charming is already taking on a huge load and me being a lazy ass growing his child is not helping.<br />
<br />
Since there is not much else to report other than we are in limbo until the Little Cupcake decides to greet the world, I am going to finally, finally show some pictures of the finished nursery. It came out pretty nice in my opinion. Very cozy and comfortable and ready for baby. Thanks to the VERY generous gifts from family, friends and coworkers, this room is pretty much my dream baby room. I love it and can't wait to have our bambino fall in love with it too. When it is conscious enough to like those kinds of things.<br />
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And for those that want the obligatory belly shot, here's the very sizable baby bump (more like woah baby bulge!) at nine and a half months.<br />
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There is definitely a baby in there! And so the waiting continues!<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54489/380/8CBFA9220A5AC203EDD779A3530EBF9E.png" style="border: 0px currentColor;" /></a>Cupcake Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10588999664483664504noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071585038534793870.post-65491048760213883992014-01-12T20:30:00.000-08:002014-01-12T20:30:38.516-08:00The Home StretchThe Ninth month. <br />
<br />
Holy crap.<br />
<br />
I am at 37 weeks and can officially "go any time."<br />
<br />
I'm not so sure how I feel about that.<br />
<br />
We are as prepared as we can be. The room is set, the baby stuff bought and set up. We found a pediatrician, registered and toured at the hospital, got the car seats installed, did all the little house projects we wanted to get done before B-day and my bag is packed and in my car awaiting its use.<br />
<br />
So now we wait.<br />
<br />
And that is the problem I have.<br />
<br />
I don't like unexpected things. I like when things are planned and laid out and nice and neat. And babies, espeically first babies, are none of those things. I am very uncomfortable with not knowing what comes next. I could literally go any day, at any time and the unknown freaks me out. I have tried to come up with scenerios that could happen but it's hard to determine what I will do when the moment arrives. I know I need to call Charming if he's not with me. I know I need to get to the hospital. I know I need to inform work when it happens so they can find someone to replace me and know I won't be coming in (God help me, I am so sure I will probably go into labor AT work because my life likes to mess with me like that.) I have my list of people to inform when I go into labor and the list to call once the baby arrives. I have things mapped out in my mind of what COULD happen but logically I known that probably nothing I expect will occur. And that scares me.<br />
<br />
Surprisngly enough, I am not that afraid of the actual birthing process. Something I will probably change my mind about once I'm actually IN labor. But the idea of getting this party started is kinda exciting. I just don't like to not knowing. When and how and what will happen once we get going. Will I be okay, will the baby be okay? Will I have complications or will it be smooth sailing? I've had such an easy pregnancy I fear my labor is going to make up for my lack of morning sickness and vericose veins. <br />
<br />
When we toured the hospital it was yet another piece of the reality that HOLY CRAP WE ARE HAVING A BABY! And seeing the tiny little bundles in the nursery made Charming looks at wonder at my bulging belly and remark "There's one of those IN there!" It made it all more real seeing where we will go when the big day comes and walking through the steps of what will happen throughout the process of labor, delivery and recovery. Both of us were a bit struck dumb with the idea that any day we could be coming in there to meet our child. Our child! <br />
<br />
Certainly no going back now! This baby is coming!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpiMPrv-B_0Yu31dstyjSPTgzP6JBQOorNZ0jy5Ylgk7fMWnw1o5VCr95AY80t1-gTO8SXI9e0QgkeqOT8VB614XU4BKgH-ljgV55B5b73_QVIHrwoBbuG5crEzDsLL8LUIkrwRAmy7OI/s1600/stork.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpiMPrv-B_0Yu31dstyjSPTgzP6JBQOorNZ0jy5Ylgk7fMWnw1o5VCr95AY80t1-gTO8SXI9e0QgkeqOT8VB614XU4BKgH-ljgV55B5b73_QVIHrwoBbuG5crEzDsLL8LUIkrwRAmy7OI/s320/stork.jpg" width="296" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54489/380/8CBFA9220A5AC203EDD779A3530EBF9E.png" style="border: 0px currentColor;" /></a>Cupcake Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10588999664483664504noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071585038534793870.post-64313562391739107372013-12-22T19:15:00.001-08:002013-12-22T19:16:34.047-08:00The Life and Times of a Sick Pregnant WomanI have had a fairly uneventful pregnancy. I didn't have a lot of morning sickness or other annoying pregnancy ails that people warned me were coming. I was tired, sure, and had some regular aches and pains and weird little quirks like still not being able to brush my teeth sometimes without gagging. But the surge of energy in my second trimester helped me to get a lot of home projects done so I feel somewhat accomplished and prepared for the baby's arrival now.<br />
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However, being pregnant and sick is a whole other ball game. Apparently I can handle being pregnant just fine. Throw in a head cold that has lingered on and tortured me for two weeks and it becomes unbearable. Add the holidays and I just don't want to get out of bed.<br />
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On a side note, if I can ever NOT be this pregnant around the holidays again I will do my darnedest to make that happen. The responsibilities of trying to prepare for baby's arrival in this last month and a half and having to juggle holiday preparations has just been merciless. I was so ready to call off Christmas, acting like it wasn't happening because I was so overwhelmed and stressed out about everything. And it's not even trying to buy presents or decorating. It's attempting to coordinate all the things I have to do holiday and baby-wise around shortened holiday schedules and people being off due to vacations. I had pediatricians to meet and classes to take and things that need to fall into place before the first of the year and no one is around to do them! And if I wait until January it will be too late because, hello, technically baby could come any time starting in two weeks. TWO WEEKS! Once I hit 36 weeks anything can happen and that happens in TWO WEEKS!! Did I mention I could have a baby as soon as TWO WEEKS away?! And it's not like I have been slacking on these things. But everything needs to happen in order. I can't register at the hospital until we find a pediatrician. I can't get the car seats installed until we find another car for Charming to drive (kinda hard for him to strap a car seat on his motorcycle.) I can't finish the nursery until we buy the last items needed which we don't have time to buy because I am busy doing everything else. All these little things that I thought would be done by now so I could smooth sail into my last month of pregnancy have now jammed up and been pushed back and this has increased the stress load considerably. So no, I don't have time for fa la la la la and ho ho ho right now. I have a baby to prepare for.<br />
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Back to Miss Sickie. I got a head cold and had to literally work through it because it happened during my ten day stint of working straight a week ago. And now the remnants have lingered enough to be annoying. I still have a slight cough and drippy nose and have to sleep with nose strips and carry around tissue everywhere I go. And I'm sooooo tired. More than usual tired. Third trimester and sick does not go well together. The worst is in the mornings because everything drips down my throat, which makes me cough hard, which makes me gag, which makes me throw up. I have thrown up more in the last two weeks than I have my entire pregnancy. Also, my eating habits changed dramatically. Everything I used to love, salads, fresh fruits etc, doesn't agree with me any more and causes huge heartburn which sets off my throat, my cough and well, you know where that leads. So I've gained more weight in the last two weeks than I have in the last four months. All of this has made me MISERABLE! And the baby apparently doesn't care how I'm feeling because it is up all the time, kicking and moving and trying out those new limbs it's just discovering. I have elbows and knees poking into my ribs and a head pressing on my cervix thus I'm short of breath and have to pee every 45 minutes. So yeah, I'm not doing too good.<br />
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All part of the experience, right?<br />
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Honestly, I am ready to get this baby out and here in the real world. Time seems to have slowed down and this last month has taken an eternity. And while I still freak out that we are going to have a baby in as soon as TWO WEEKS, I am also super excited to get through the next few weeks and make that happen.<br />
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But that might be because the next stage is going to be super messy and I'm trying not to stress about THAT too much right now. Can't we just have our baby come by stork like in the movies? Sounds a lot less painful and bloody.<br />
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<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54489/380/8CBFA9220A5AC203EDD779A3530EBF9E.png" style="border: 0px currentColor;" /></a>Cupcake Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10588999664483664504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071585038534793870.post-49067798015658962752013-12-05T20:04:00.000-08:002013-12-06T22:33:18.552-08:00Loss and LifeSunday marked the four year anniversary of my father-in-law's passing. <br />
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It still feels like just yesterday.<br />
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As in previous years, his loss is at the forefront of our minds as we enter the holiday season, a time usually of joy and family. We wish he were here so badly it makes the holidays difficult at times to enjoy. But this year is especially bittersweet because, while we are over the moon at our impending baby arrival, the thought that Charming's dad won't be here to see him become a father is weighing heavily.<br />
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This week and month are always difficult and we try to focus on the good times and use distraction and events to take our minds off of why December is not a welcome month in our household. We work really hard to keep Charming's mom occupied and away from thoughts that may send her into a spiral of despair. And while every year we never fail to have those moments where the loss hits us so hard and so quick we wonder how we have carried on these past four years, there is the return of joy too as we reminisce and laugh at memories and good times had before. It doesn't get easier to forget the pain but it gets easier to remember the good. Baby distraction has helped greatly and I can only hope our child will also aid in soothing those sad edges of our lives.<br />
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We attempt to keep things low-key, private and easy so that we can get through this month and it's family-fun filled joyousness unscathed. Every Christmas celebration seems to be tinged with whole family expectations and those are just hard to live up to when you have suffered such a serious loss at this time of year. My MIL has refused to decorate for Christmas these last years, not seeing the point of her doing it just for herself, which I understand. But we have always gotten together for Christmas and done small gift exchanges and she did agree this year to help us decorate our house. Which I see as a tiny step forward to accepting a bit of the joy of the holidays back into her life. Progress toward healing, no matter how small, is wonderful to see.<br />
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And that is why what happened yesterday is so especially devastating, so hard to understand and so inconvenient when it comes to the timing of such a tragic event.<br />
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My MIL's beloved kitty Cougar, who she got about six months after her husband died as a companion to help fill the void an empty house gave her, passed away suddenly. One minute he was on her lap, the next he had jumped down, run into the kitchen and yowled. She heard a thump and when she went to investigate, Cougar was on the floor, convulsing. One more small meow and he was gone, just like that. My heart breaks at that thought of her not only losing her beloved furry friend, but at also having to witness his passing in such a way and being helpless to stop it. Losing an pet is hard enough without having to see that happen. Our only solace is he went quick and didn't suffer. <br />
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We buried Cougar today, under the palm tree in her back yard that grew with no assistance or care and was in fact thought to be a deep seeded weed by Charming's dad when he was cleaning the yard so many years ago. When he failed to pull it out of the ground, my FIL left it there to see what would come of it and soon a glorious palm tree grew. It seemed fitting to put Cougar there, under life that refused to give up despite having no water to grow and someone trying to kill it. You see, Cougar was a rescue and we don't know his history except he was most likely abused due to his skittishness and temperament in the beginning and would have been put to death had my MIL not rescued him that day. We called him Sad Eyes because he always seemed to have a very concerned expression on his face that spoke of his tough life before he came into ours. He was an enigma in appearance, extremely round with tiny, tiny feet that did not seem big enough to keep him upright. Cougar was a tough sell, unsure of all of us in the beginning, wanting love but scared to give or receive it. But he grew to love my MIL and the trust that built between them was amazing. Over the years he became a different cat and the change was incredible, sitting on my MIL's lap, coming over to be pet, not trying to kill me when I needed to trim his nails. My MIL got two kitties that day almost four years ago but Cougar was my MIL's little buddy, her favorite and now she and Cougar's adopted brother Brutus seem lost without him. She can't imagine not seeing his cute little face when she wakes up and saying goodnight to him as she goes to sleep, with all their together time in between. The loss is huge, but I like to focus the fact he was loved unconditionally these last years and given a home that helped him to thrive and become the cat we knew he could be.<br />
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Plus, my FIL now has the best companion ever to keep him company while he waits for the rest of us to one day join him.<br />
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Rest in peace Little Buddy. We love you and miss you. Don't scratch Dad and keep that purrer going until we see you again.<br />
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<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54489/380/8CBFA9220A5AC203EDD779A3530EBF9E.png" style="border: 0px currentColor;" /></a>Cupcake Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10588999664483664504noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071585038534793870.post-83877434496375248392013-11-28T17:03:00.000-08:002013-12-06T21:53:42.845-08:00The Thankful PostSince I never got around to doing all those Thankful posts on Facebook, I figured I could just do one big post here for everything I am blessed to have in my life this year.<br />
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What I'm Thankful For:<br />
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1. My amazing husband. I really hit it out of the park with Charming. There are still days when I wonder how I got to be so lucky/ Not only has he steadfastly been my best friend, lover and champion for over 13 years, but this new curve ball of impending fatherhood has really turned him into someone I can not wait to be the father of our children. He's terrified, yes, but the joy that surrounds him as we get closer and closer to meeting our little one melts my heart every single day.<br />
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2. My incredible family. My parents have always been there for me when I need them. Even if it's late night phone calls with silly worries or hopping on a plane to come to my shower 3000 miles away, Mom and Dad are my support group and advice go-to people. And my MIL has answered all my crazy "what if" questions without too much fun being poked at me and my over-prepared nature. Plus, she has agreed to watch the little bugger for us when I go back to work! But my extended family has been incredible too. To my grandmother who is tickled pick at becoming a great-grandmother so much she can't stop sending me things for "the little Gummy Bear," to my Aunt who calls every other week just to make sure I'm doing okay. My brother is thrilled to become an uncle and the rest of my family has showered us with good wishes and gifts too many to count. I really am lucky when it comes to family.<br />
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3. My fabulous friends. Both parental and non have been patient and understanding with the changes I have been going through. I vowed to never become the type of person who would only talk about baby things when I got pregnant, but alas, I can't seem to help myself. And I am sure it will only get worse when the baby arrives. But all of my friends, those have been through what I am going through and those who have yet to experience it, have said nary a mean word regarding my one-track mind. And the advice and tips have been helpful at assisting me in figuring out what is going to work for us. I really couldn't have gotten this far without all my friends cheering me on and reveling in my joy at finally joining the parent club.<br />
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4. Food. Oh God, am I thankful for food and my ability to eat it! Never have I appreciated food so much. Things just seem to taste so much better when I know I am nourishing my child.<br />
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5. Sleep. Now that I can get it I appreciate it so much more because I know my days of getting 8 hours are quickly coming to an end.<br />
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6. Our kitties. They have provided endless joy to me, especially whenever I am down. Although they are still adjusting to what they can sense is a huge change coming in their lives (the pooping on the carpet has thankfully stopped, let's hope forever) I can always rely on them to relax me. Plus, they have helped prepare me for the wee one with their very needy and incessant ways.<br />
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7. Finally, to my Gummy Bear. I am most thankful for my sweet one and can not wait to meet you. At this time next year you will be about 9 months old and probably just getting extremely interesting. But we are so excited for your arrival and can not wait to see what little monster we created. Just kidding, you better be perfect or we're sending you back!<br />
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Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!<br />
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<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54489/380/8CBFA9220A5AC203EDD779A3530EBF9E.png" style="border: 0px currentColor;" /></a>Cupcake Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10588999664483664504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071585038534793870.post-53762067700006831152013-11-25T22:01:00.001-08:002013-11-25T22:04:27.463-08:00A Smelly SituationSince I've been pregnant I have found certain tastes and smells can set off reactions in me I have never had before. Lemons are a big one. The scent of lemons makes my stomach churn so that means no lemon cleaners, perfumes etc. within my olfactory zone. I have always hated lemons in my water and don't like lemons with any sort of fish. But since bonding with Baby I can not even stand the thought of a lemon anywhere near me when I eat. If one comes in my water, I have to send the whole glass back instead of simply removing the offending lemon from my glass. If there is a lemon touching any of the food on my plate I have to send the plate back because even the thought of a slight lemon taste makes me gag. Usually I get away with this with the whole "sorry, I'm pregnant" statement, but every once in awhile I get that look. The look that means they think I am being a huge pain in the ass. So I try to be proactive and say NO LEMONS right away. But some still sneak through.<br />
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But the lemon side effect is small potatoes to what happened last week at work. I arrived for my shift feeling fine so I was surprised when a half hour in I was feeling light headed, dizzy and sick to my stomach. I took stock of my surroundings but did not smell anything that might cause issue. Since I was trapped in a control room until the show was over I had little choice than to muscle through and get to the end of the show. Once I was free I went outside and lay down in my car for a bit. After a half hour I was feeling much better, figured I must have been tired, and went back inside to get the next newscast ready. <br />
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As I continued to work I started to feel bad again. Dizzy, light-headed and now I started to cough slightly. Also, I was getting wafts of something pungent that make my stomach clench. Over time it got worse and worse. When I went to go do my show I found out that they had sprayed fire retardant in the room next to where I work around the time I came in for my shift and that was a smell that was making me sick. I was quite a bit concerned because I know how bad fire retardant can be, it's always talked about in regards to when it burns, the toxicity it gives off is bad, especially for pregnant women. And it seemed there was little to no ventilation in the are they sprayed. Also, no warning was sent out and people were working amongst the fumes, coughing and feeling ill, but still working.<br />
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I went to do the show, thinking being locked in the control room would help, but I started feeling worse and worse, almost passing out once. When the show was done I made a beeline for the bathroom because I didn't feel too well, and called Charming to explain what was going on. As I was talking to him I went potty and was shocked to see blood. Not a lot, but after not seeing blood for seven plus months, even after "activity," and how crappy I was feeling, I understandably freaked out. Charming told me to get to the hospital RIGHT NOW and I left, fearing the worst and hoping it was nothing.<br />
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Luckily, it was nothing. Baby was fine, the blood was caused by my coughing so much shaking a few over engorged blood vessels loose, but the door is still closed shut for now. I reacted badly to the smell, which is no surprise given my reactions to strong smells given my allergies and asthma (I also found out the next day that the stuff they sprayed was non-toxic, thank goodness. Just really smelly.) It was the scariest thing I ever went through and I certainly do not want to go through anything like that again. I told the Labor & Delivery nurses they next time they see me, hopefully I will be in labor. I felt a tiny bit silly, like I may have jumped the gun a bit, but after listening to the poor woman in the bed next to me who had lost a baby at 29 weeks (what I was last week), given birth to her second at 33 weeks and her third at 31 weeks and was now in bed with her fourth at 31 weeks again with contractions, I didn't feel too bad. I needed to make sure everything was okay, so my sake, the baby's sake and the sake of my poor helpless husband who was stuck having to check in at work and couldn't come be with me. Once I got to the hospital and they had hooked me up and found the baby fine, I told him to stay put, I would let him know if he needed to come but I didn't want him to come if everything was okay, even though it killed him to do that.<br />
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This experience taught me the first thing about being a new mom. Listen to my instincts. I got myself out of a situation that could have been harmful to my baby and I will never regret that.<br />
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<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54489/380/8CBFA9220A5AC203EDD779A3530EBF9E.png" style="border: 0px currentColor;" /></a>Cupcake Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10588999664483664504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071585038534793870.post-30457246763975626122013-11-15T22:08:00.003-08:002013-11-15T22:09:43.424-08:00Showering in BabyAfter months of planning and many different ideas and thoughts thrown out the window, the baby shower finally came to pass. And what a success it was! Despite having a bunch of late minute cancellations on the day, fretting about not having enough food and then worrying we'd have too much, things pretty much went off without a hitch. Thanks to the tireless help of our friends T and M and my mom, MIL, SIL and BIL, Charming and I managed to pull off a pretty impressive shindig. All to celebrate the wee one in my belly! <br />
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Here's a few photos of the decorations and theme (Pooh, of course) where you can see I went a bit Pinterest crazy and overboard on the cutesy ideas. But it all came together pretty well. We had some fun games, incredible favors and some really neat ways to incorporate baby things throughout the party. Plus it was a whole lot of fun (the co-ed diapering game got really heated!) and we got some amazing stuff. We have very generous and amazing friends!<br />
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Our guests were greeted by this sign as they came to the door, made by Charming and myself. And yes, "Acre" is spelled wrong on purpose. Pooh has a hard time spelling! We are going to put it in the corner of the baby's room. That's the great thing about all these decorations, we can reuse them in the nursery!<br />
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This table held the favors (beeswax honeycomb candles for the women, little painted honey pots for the kids filled with Teddy Grahams), guest book (a Pooh book I found), games (Celebrity Name Game, Baby Shower Present Bingo, Baby Food Guess Game), the adorable piggy bank commissioned by my aunt for the baby, a stack of diapers to write inspiring messages for 2AM diaper changings, the prizes for the games and the totally incredible, completely awesome diaper cake made by our cousin J.<br />
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We had a giant map of the 100 Akre Wood framed to hang in the baby's room and decided to use that for a backdrop for the stars of the shower: the giant stuffed Pooh and Tigger used for the Co-ed Diaper Challenge. Also had some decals and streamers all over the room for festiveness and some Pooh inspirational sayings here and there.<br />
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The food was all Pooh themed too, and I made place cards to explain how each dish was tied into the Winnie the Pooh characters (Kanga's Pita Pockets, Piglets in a Blanket, etc.) Happily enough, the food we came up with was yummy and fit into the theme so it all worked out!<br />
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*Loved these cupcakes made by Charming's mom. They look like bee hives, complete with Honeycombs and a sugar bee on top!<br />
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I also had red and yellow colored plates, cups and napkins, Pooh colors, along with a Honey Pot I painted to hold the plastic ware.<br />
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While the women stayed inside and played our silly baby games, the men set up outside for a poker game (after they participated in the Co-ed Diapering Challenge of course.) Buy in was ten bucks and a package of diapers. We had alcoholic nips for the drinkers and honey pots of chocolate popcorn for the non-drinkers as favors, a bit hit with the male guests who had a blast trying to beat my husband at the game he deals for a living. I mean, he has his own poker table...they should have known he'd be good!<br />
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It was a lot of work, but worth the effort. We had a wonderful party, everyone raved about the set up, had a blast with the games and overall had a great time! And best of all we celebrated the fact Charming and I are finally going to be a family. Happy Baby Shower!<br />
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Cupcake Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10588999664483664504noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071585038534793870.post-41706181553319365622013-11-05T23:46:00.005-08:002013-11-05T23:46:44.363-08:00Sugar RushI swear, I am not slacking off here on purpose. I have every intent on posting frequently, but then life gets in the way and I'm so tired and oh look, another baby website to check out. And sudden this blog is forgotten. But I need to be better. Not only to keep you all informed but also as my own record of this incredible journey I've been on for the last 6 1/2 months.<br />
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I can not believe I am almost out of my second semester. I'm in the home stretch baby!! ONLY 3 MONTHS TO GO AND WE WILL HAVE AN ACTUAL BABY. That statement of fact deserved to be in all caps because OMG, we are having a baby!!<br />
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These past few weeks have been crazy busy due to my nesting phase. Or as Charming likes to call it, the Throw-Every-Out-That-Is-Not-Tied-Down phase. He's had to forcibly restrain me from tampering with his "stuff" and keep me out of places like his drawers and the garage for fear of what I may do. However, I have managed to streamline our living space, eliminated a lot of clutter and made things more efficient. And I've gotten rid of a lot of crap we haven't ever used. Safe Nest, Goodwill and the veterans have been loving me these last few weeks.<br />
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I've also been in full-on Baby Shower mode with my good friend T. We have been busy preparing and stressing over the baby shower that is happening this weekend. I am super excited to have everyone together to celebrate this little miracle I've been carrying around for half a year. There is a Winnie the Pooh theme that mirrors the theme of our nursery and I have to say, everything is pretty darn cute. There's good food and fun games planned but I'll just be happy to enjoy the time with my mom who is flying in special for the shower, my BIL and SIL who are coming for a visit and all my friends who I work with and know in Vegas. But most especially, I get to see our little niece, the spitfire who captured Charming's heart and is probably a big reason why he wants a girl so badly.<br />
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The last piece of interesting news in this week 26 and 27 of the pregnancy saga is I had my fated Glucose Test for Gestational Diabetes. I had been warned about the perils of this test and what to expect. I knew I would probably feel crappy due to having to fast and then jump starting my system with a drink of pure sugar. I knew I would probably crash and the baby would go crazy because SUGAR! and that if I threw up I had to start all over. I knew it would take two hours and would probably knock me down for most of the day after. What I was not expecting was making an appointment for a Saturday morning at 10:30 AM and then being told I couldn't take the test because it takes 2 hours and they closed at noon. This was after I had fasted since midnight the night before and wanted to get this unpleasantness over with. Needless to say I was not pleased. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsLcIcjCQuSllhMmsYT_P67b8xcfzfdaMqV2qFBT5yAGNfTa-yIhwsfL25dWnPsyCA08vdLsvqvQvAi61Ceaemf0D0Sj7dQ_3mSBrRymdQxPNYSKG0QPo6nbi6BnGIIr05BLJwYIGSSCI/s1600/orange-glucose-drink.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsLcIcjCQuSllhMmsYT_P67b8xcfzfdaMqV2qFBT5yAGNfTa-yIhwsfL25dWnPsyCA08vdLsvqvQvAi61Ceaemf0D0Sj7dQ_3mSBrRymdQxPNYSKG0QPo6nbi6BnGIIr05BLJwYIGSSCI/s320/orange-glucose-drink.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">*the dreaded orange drink!</span></div>
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But I came back on Monday and took the test early in the morning and had all the expected reactions (oh that drink tasted good, like orange soda but yuck about a half hour later...tired, cold, sugar crash) and spent the rest of the day resting on the couch to recoup. It was a good thing I was off for my birthday so I didn't have to worry about going into work feeling crappy. The good point in all of this is that I received my results and as far as my MIL could determine (former OB nurse and diabetic herself) I passed. So no second, longer test for me we hope! I find out for sure next week at my next OB appointment, my first one in a new and final trimester.<br />
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Now to look ahead to guests and baby fun this weekend!<br />
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<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54489/380/8CBFA9220A5AC203EDD779A3530EBF9E.png" style="border: 0px currentColor;" /></a>Cupcake Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10588999664483664504noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071585038534793870.post-52989713226935655902013-10-19T21:28:00.000-07:002013-10-19T22:47:00.229-07:00Dear Gummy BearHi Baby! <br />
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I feel a bit silly writing a letter to you while you have yet to exist outside in the real world. But you have become so much a part of me, already a huge part of our lives that I can't imagine not talking to you and telling you what is going on while you are safe inside, cooking away.<br />
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This week I reached six months in my pregnancy. Hard to believe you have been with me for so long and at the same time everything seems to have gone by in an instant. In a few weeks we'll be in the final stage and just three short months later you'll be making your appearance into this crazy world and become a part of our family. I think a lot about when I first see you and how I will feel. Already I love you so much, I wonder how my heart can feel anymore for you but I think I may feel things I have never felt before in my life. The connection we have now is so wonderful I can only imagine that it is going to grow and strengthen when I meet you for the very first time.<br />
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You are a kicker. All the time. It feels like you're practicing Kung Fu or Cirque du Soleil moves in my belly. Especially after I eat and while I'm directing shows. This leads me to believe you like food (cheese, especially) and the sound of my voice, which makes me happy. I also happen to love food and you'll be hearing a lot of my voice so it's good you're getting used to it now. You are so active and I have come to expect your moves and flips in my gut so much, that when I don't feel anything it can be a bit unsettling. Today, for example, ended up with us in the Labor & Delivery portion of the hospital and you being monitored for awhile because I had gone over half the day without feeling you at all. All the tricks to make you move (surgery foods, cold OJ, laying on my side) failed to cause a flutter and this worried us for a bit. But after they hooked me up and found you swimming around in there, heart beating away, you let everyone know how much you didn't like being observed and promptly started to kick the crap out of my insides. We were so relieved you were okay, but have to sternly advise you not to scare Mommy and Daddy like that again. With everything else you have been wonderful and it so far has been an easy pregnancy. So we'll call today a little hiccup and you can go right back to being perfect and fine and not worry us anymore.<br />
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Your Daddy is one amazing man. You really hit the jackpot with him as your father. He is going to be an incredible father and will love you in ways I don't even think he can imagine. He loves to rub you and say "Hi Baby!" or "There's a baby in there!" He gets more and more excited each day. And no matter who you end up being, boy or girl (sorry Baby, we wanted you to be a super surprise), he is going to love you and keep you safe and teach you all the things he enjoys. Just make sure you tell him if he starts talking about guns and cars too much. I know it's hard to handle at times.<br />
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You have two furry sisters that are huge cuddle bugs and I know will love you, probably too much. They have been our comfort over many years and are excited to meet you too. Just no pulling tails or digging in kitty litter and things will work out fine.<br />
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You have grandparents and uncles and aunts that can't wait to meet you too. At times I feel bad because everyone is so excited for you to be born and right now I'm the only one that gets to spend this time with you. Even Daddy can't feel you yet (although today he did get to see you kick the monitor off my belly which was really cool.) But I also cherish this time because we are so close, we are one and the miracle you are is something I get to experience every day. And you are a miracle, Baby. We tried for a long time to get you here and wanted you so badly, we feared you would never happen. But here you are, growing inside me, getting bigger and more you every day. And while we are anxious to meet you, please stay in there for as long as you can! You have a lot to prepare for and so do we. We will meet you soon enough and love you always. I have always wanted to be mom and I am so happy that I get to be one to you! I can't wait to read to you and sing to you and teach you my favorite things and watch you become the amazing person I know you are destined to be.<br />
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But you'll forever be our Gummy Bear.<br />
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Love Always,<br />
Mommy<br />
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<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54489/380/8CBFA9220A5AC203EDD779A3530EBF9E.png" style="border: 0px currentColor;" /></a>Cupcake Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10588999664483664504noreply@blogger.com2